This Weekend, Watch This
A comparison of the new releases for August 26, 2011
By Curt David
August 26, 2011
BoxOfficeProphets.com
More likely than not, each weekend there is a movie that you have never heard of in the theaters. I'll save you the hassle of researching every movie, by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then, I'll tell you which movie to watch.
For the weekend of August 26th, the movies in wide release are Columbiana, Don't be Afraid of the Dark, and Our Idiot Brother.
| Columbiana | Don't Be Afraid of the Dark | Our Idiot Brother | WINNER (1 point per category) | |
| Clearest Title | Hmm...60% chance it's a movie about killing, 40% a drama | 80% chance a horror movie, 20% a children's film | 80% a comedy, 20% a documentary | The latter two movies will split the point since their titles might actually help get people to watch their film. |
| Best Genre and Rating | Action/Thriller:
Rated PG-13 for violence, disturbing images, intense sequences of action, sexuality, and brief strong language. | Horror:
Rated R violence and terror. | Comedy:
Rated R for sexual content, including nudity and language throughout. | I'm done with awarding comedies points for this summer...now action/thriller- those never get old. Point. |
| Cleverest Tagline (out of 5 stars) | "Revenge is beautiful"
Like it, it's a movie about a lethal assassin, who happens to be hot 3/5 | "n/a"
Well, the producers took the tagline of the film and made it the title by mistake 1/5 | "Paul Rudd is our idiot brother"
This is half a tagline and half the title. Like a compromise between the first two films. 2/5 | Writing a Column is intelligent and funny. Revenge should go out on a date with Writing a Column. You can get your point then... |
| Best Part of Trailer | It's like my favorite show Alias came to the main screen! Sexy/lethal female star, Michael Vartan, guns, fighting, and suspense! | Seems like a very well-made spooky horror film. | Seems like a funny movie, with heart. | Our Idiot Brother almost won, but holy crap, have you seen the trailer for Columbiana??? Point. |
| Coolest Lead Actor | Zoe Saldana from Avatar, Star Trek, and The Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl. | Katie Holmes from Dawson's Creek and Batman Begins. | Paul Rudd from I Love You Man and Role Models. | Zoe Saldana automatically wins this point. If I could, I would award her two. |
| Best Cast | Michael Vartan (from Alias!!!!!!!!!!) | Guy Pearce (Memento) | Elizabeth Banks (Zack and Miri), Rashida Jones (The Office), Zooey Deschanel (Elf) | Mr. Vartan, I wish you the best, you are my hero. Forgive me as I give the point to those three ladies. |
| Best Street Cred For the Production | Writers Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen also wrote Taken, the Transporter trilogy, and Robert wrote all of the Karate Kid movies! | Writer Guillermo del Toro also wrote (and directed) Hellboy and Pan's Labyrinth. | Director Jesse Peretz also directed The Ex. | The three writers this week are going to split the point, well, but not evenly. I'll give Luc and Robert 1/4th point each and Guillermo 1/2 point. |
So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Columbiana scores 4 and 1/2 points, Our Idiot Brother scores 1 and 1/2 points, and Don't Be Afraid of the Dark scores 1 point.
You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you like movies where a family moves into a scary house and the kid sees the demon type thing first and horror ensues, feel free to watch Don't Be Afraid of the Dark. . However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.
Conclusion 1: On paper, Columbiana is the movie to watch this week.
Conclusion 2: If you have ever read anything I wrote and have even the slightest affinity towards listening to one of my recommendations, go watch the first season of Alias. Go. Now.
Conclusion 3: I don't know why you are reading conclusion three...you are supposed to be finding a copy of the show Alias.