How to Spend $20
By David Mumpower
July 6, 2011
BoxOfficeProphets.com
For people who want to finance the next atrocity from Uwe Boll: Bloodrayne: The Third Reich
Thus far, Bloodrayne has been an underrated videogame, an abomination of a movie, and a failed television series. Its latest form is a direct-to-DVD release, which is frankly better than the collective works of Dr. Boll deserve. Long time readers of the site know that Boll is anathema to the BOP staff and in fact was openly challenged by our group back when he was in his Boxing Critics phase. Since I’m 6’4” and he’s really, really not, he passed on the invitation to take a savage beating, yet another decision he made that I regret. Spoilers: I would have taken a running jump and stomped on his groin after I knocked him out.
Anyway, Boll continues to find ways to bankroll movies and he also continues to persuade otherwise talented actors into slumming in his projects. This time, the person whose reputation will never recover from this is Natassia Malthe, the villain from the failed Elektra project in 2005. Malthe has become a Boll favorite, starring in the previous Bloodrayne sequel as well as the Alone in the Dark sequel he produced but did not direct. Stating the obvious, Malthe should get as far away from Uwe Boll as possible. If you like her and want to see her portray a vampire, well, maybe she’ll do another movie at some point. For now, you want no part of her effort as Bloodrayne since doing so would be akin to wearing an I Support Uwe Boll t-shirt. And if you do that, we just can’t let you read BOP any more.
For people who find a dozen assassins too few for your wetworks needs: 13 Assassins
Takashi Miike is back and is ordinarily the case with his films, a lot of blood is spilled in the process. I’m still scarred from the first Miike movie I saw, Audition, a tables turning examination of how older men prey upon younger women. A later project of his, Ichi the Killer, is still being protested a full decade after its release. This is representative of just how disturbing his films can be. I seriously cannot hear sounds similar to “kli kli kli” without thinking of Audition, a statement that makes no sense if you haven’t seen the movie. If you have, I probably just made the hairs on your neck stand up and for that, I am sorry.
13 Assassins represents a more commercial movie than Miike has done in the past in that it’s a remake of a popular 1960s project. It was also well received, earning a nomination for the Japanese equivalent of the Academy Awards. Here is what those of you who did not watch the film when it debuted on HDNet need to know about the movie. A dude named Lord Naritsugu winds up in power and he goes Nero on his people. He maims and kills without mercy as his honor-bound Samurai are forced to defend him as he pillages his country.
At this point, an elder Samurai agrees to form an assassin posse and attempt to take out Naritsugu. The fly in the ointment is that there are only 13 of them (natch) while the opposing force includes 200 (mostly) skilled opponents. This is where the Takashi Miike factor comes into play. As you’ve probably guessed, most of these people do not make it out of the movie alive, meaning that if you want to see roughly 200 different cinematic slaughters, this movie is a dream come true. I am of the opinion that a lot of its storyline doesn’t translate well for North American audiences. Still, this project is well acted and in fact a few of the main characters have been featured in Hollywood studio features. 13 Assassins is an eastern movie that could appeal to a certain segment of western audiences. If you like feudal Japan historical dramas and/or a lot of decapitations, this is right up your alley.
For people who worry that 13 Assassins may not be violent enough: Hobo with a Shotgun
Also an HDNet debut, Hobo with a Shotgun provides Rutger Hauer with the rare opportunity to kill everyone else in the movie. Like four people with speaking roles in the movie make it to the closing credits. My favorite victim is Gregory Smith, whose most notable role is as Ephram Brown on Everwood. Smith plays *ahem* a bit against type here as Slick, a homicidal, entitled heir to daddy’s throne as crime kingpin of Hope City. Suffice to say that Slick does bad things to a children’s bus only to find that the bus comes looking for him in the end. The entire two minute sequence is so strange that I actually made my wife watch it, thereby giving her a relatively accurate perspective on the entire production of Hobo with a Shotgun. This is a perfect follow-up to the Grindhouse philosophy of low budget shock cinema. You can tell by the title whether this is a movie you want to see. As an aside, two of the villains in this movie may or may not be a tribute to the greatest wrestling tag team of all time, The Road Warriors. I honestly couldn’t decide if this was an homage or not.
Pick of the Week:
For people who miss Gaius Baltar and want to hear him do a cheesy accent: Eureka Season 4
I touched upon Eureka in a recent discussion of another SyFy Channel series, Warehouse 13. Eureka is a perfect example of escapist popcorn television in that it’s formulaic but largely enjoyable, cable’s equivalent of comfort food. Eureka Season 4 focuses upon a sweeping story arc wherein events from the founding of the city of Eureka in 1947 somehow spill over into the present day. All of this is a cheap excuse to introduce James Callis to the cast; he portrays Dr. Trevor Grant, a World War II era scientist working with Albert Einstein himself. Imagine Grant’s surprise when he finds himself suddenly experiencing daily life in the 2000s in Eureka. While a lot of this is just an excuse for Callis to do a Penny Arcade-ish screwball comedy accent, the reality is that season four of Eureka is quite entertaining on the whole.
In addition, an episode entitled The Ex-Files is the show’s high point to date. It marks the (cleverly explained) return of now-dead Nathan Stark, Allison’s ex. Oddly, Stark always had better chemistry with Eureka lead Jack Carter (Colin Ferguson), who was the perfect frenemy foil. They reunite here in a spirited hour of television that was one of last summer’s entertainment highlights for me. If you watched the show but quit on it before this episode, it’s well worth tracking down.
To a larger point, this is one of the weakest weeks for new DVD releases in recent memory as Eureka probably wouldn’t have finished in the top three selections any of the past three weeks. Still, since I’m not a huge fan of random bloodshed, it’s the clear choice for pick of the week.
New releases for the week of July 5, 2011:
DVD:
Of Gods and Men (PG-13)
13 Assassins (R)
According to Jim: The Complete Fourth Season (Not Rated)
Alan Berliner Collection (Not Rated)
All That Jazz / Roxie Hart (Not Rated)
America The Story of Us: Boom (Not Rated)
America The Story of Us: Civil War (Not Rated)
America The Story of Us: Millennium (Not Rated)
America The Story of Us: Rebels (Not Rated)
America The Story of Us: Rise of a Superpower (Not Rated)
America The Story of Us: Westward (Not Rated)
American Flyer (Not Rated)
The Anniversary at Shallow Creek (Not Rated)
Bellydance Superstars: Flow Graceful Arms & Hands (Not Rated)
Ben Hur & The Story Of Moses (Not Rated)
Best of Sesame Street Spoofs: Volumes 1 & 2 (Not Rated)
Bloodlust Zombies (Not Rated)
Bloodrayne: The Third Reich (R/Unrated)
Boy Meets World: The Complete Sixth Season (Not Rated)
Camaleones (Not Rated)
The Cape: The Complete Series (Not Rated)
Cats 101 (Not Rated)
The Colors of the Mountain (Not Rated)
Compassion in Emptiness (Not Rated)
Crazy Heart / Walk The Line (Not Rated)
Dogs 101 (Not Rated)
Drive-In Horrorshow (Not Rated)
Dynasty: The Fifth Season
Dynasty: The Fifth Season, Volume 1 (Not Rated)
Dynasty: The Fifth Season, Volume 2 (Not Rated)
Empire of Assassins (R)
Eureka: Season 4.0 (Not Rated)
Ferocious Planet (Not Rated)
Fireman Sam: Brave New Rescues (Not Rated)
The Frankenstein Syndrome (Not Rated)
Frogs & Toads: Max's Magical Journey (G)
Gentlemen Prefer Blondes / Moulin Rouge (Not Rated)
Georgia's Civil War (Not Rated)
Ghastly Grabs: Volume 10 (Not Rated)
Ghastly Grabs: Volume 11 (Not Rated)
Ghastly Grabs: Volume 9 (Not Rated)
Girl Who Leapt Through Space Volume 2 (Not Rated)
Girls Gone Wild: Best of Extreme Sex (Not Rated)
Girls Gone Wild: Horny Cheerleaders 2 (Not Rated)
Gliding: : For The Active Older Adult (Not Rated)
Guys Gone Wild: Spring Break Young & Hung (Not Rated)
Hello Dolly / Star! (Not Rated)
HIT Favorites: Preschool Fun (Not Rated)
Hobo with a Shotgun
The Hustle (R)
Illegal (Not Rated)
InGREEDients (Not Rated)
James Bryan Triple Feature (Not Rated)
Jill Miller: Quickfix RX Kneehab for Knee Health (Not Rated)
John Wayne Collection (Not Rated)
K-ON! Volume 2 (Not Rated)
Lady in Black: The Story of Darlington Raceway (Not Rated)
Land Girls: Series 2 (Not Rated)
Last Supper & The Miracle Of Jesus (Not Rated)
Lies in Plain Sight (Not Rated)
Love Me Tender / Seven Year Itch (Not Rated)
The Making of the President: The 1960s (Not Rated)
Mannix: The Fifth Season (Not Rated)
Metalocalypse: Season 1-3 (Not Rated)
Millenium Meltdown (Not Rated)
Mindy Mylrea: Gliding Total Body G Double G Workou (Not Rated)
Mobile Suit Gundam OO: Wakening of the Trailblazer (Not Rated)
Mysteries at the Museum: Season 1 (Not Rated)
National Geographic: Witchcraft - Myths & Legends (Not Rated)
Okefenokee (Not Rated)
Once / That Thing You Do (Not Rated)
Orphen Complete Collection 2 (Not Rated)
The Passion Of Darkly Noon (Not Rated)
The PJs: Season 2 (Not Rated)
Rickie Lee Jones: Live in Stockholm (Not Rated)
Riding Tornado (Not Rated)
Romeo & Juliet / (500) Days of Summer (Not Rated)
A Screaming Man (Not Rated)
Squidbillies: Season 1, Volumes 1-4 (Not Rated)
Tales of the Abyss Part 1 (Not Rated)
Tim & Eric Awesome Show Great Job: Seasons 1-5 (Not Rated)
Tom & Jerry: Fur Flying Adventures Volume 2 (Not Rated)
Trailers from Hell Volume 2 (Not Rated)
Transformers, The Japanese Collection: Headmasters (Not Rated)
UFC 129 (Not Rated)
Venture Bros.: Seasons 1-5 (Not Rated)
Victorious: Season 1, Volume 1 (Not Rated)
Wake Wood (R)
Wisconsin Project X (Not Rated)
Witchmaker: The Legend of Witch Hollow (R)
Witchville (Not Rated)
Without a Father (Not Rated)
Woman's Guide to Adultery (Not Rated)
World of Horses: Season 2 (Not Rated)
Yoga After Pregnancy (Not Rated)
Blu-Ray:
13 Assassins
Be Cool
Bloodrayne: The Third Reich
Crack In The World
The Cutting Edge
Damage
Das Boot
Don't Be A Menace To South Central...
Florida's State Parks
Four Weddings And A Funeral
From Dusk Till Dawn 3
Gods & Generals / Gettysburg
Grand Canyon Serenade
A Guy Thing
Hannie Caulder
Hellraiser: Hellworld
Hobo with a Shotgun
Honeymoon In Vegas
I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell
K-ON! Volume 2
Mobile Suit Gundam OO: Wakening of the Trailblazer
Of Gods and Men
Overboard
Ratatouille
The Sacrifice
Up
Wake Wood
WALL-E
Wedding Daze