How to Spend $20
By David Mumpower
June 28, 2011
BoxOfficeProphets.com

She's pro-NRA.
For people who like gothic romance (which appears to be every woman I know) and are tired of Red Riding Hood: Beastly

Two weeks ago, I ended this column with the following: "Note that this description will largely repeat itself in a couple of weeks with the release of Beastly."

I was speaking of Red Riding Hood, but let’s be honest about the fact that the titles are largely interchangeable. Modern spins on gothic fairy tales are in right now, which is why that dude from I Am Number Four has been uglied up enough to portray a beast. Note that Alex Pettyfer himself is not ugly; this is just Hollywood makeup. Women are just as shallow as men when it comes to great looks, so Pettyfer does look like himself for portions of the film. Then, he develops scars and tattoos and whatnot, making him hot to women in an entirely different.

Effectively, Beastly is a re-telling of the Beauty and the Beast fable that affords the viewer to sexualize Pettyfer and, to a sadly lesser extent, Vanessa Hudgens. The good news if you are unhappy with the amount of sexualization shown by Hudgens’ character is that she does a great job of posting nekkid cellphone pics of herself from time to time; this is quite thoughtful of her. For my part, I watch the movie for Peter Krause, as the BOP favorite from Sports Night portrays a villain in this film. Say what you will about Beastly, but the lead casting is exceptional.

For people who never knew that legendary science fiction writer H.G. Wells is a hot bisexual woman: Warehouse 13 Season Two

I realize that the header above requires some explaining. Bear with me for a moment. Like its SyFy Channel predecessor, Eureka, Warehouse 13 is intended to be a silly distraction of a television series, serial programming that provides quality summer popcorn entertainment. Season two changed that perception somewhat by adding Jaime Murray to the cast. The Dexter antagonist during season two of that program fills the same role on Warehouse 13 with one key difference. She is not quite a whack job. Instead, she is revealed to be the one and only H.G. Wells, who was forced to hide behind the anonymity of a masculine name during the 19th century in order to disguise her sex. Yes, it sounds ridiculous on the surface but Murray is such a tremendous actress that she immediately raised the caliber of the series from disposable to oftentimes engaging.

Toward the end of season two, Wells states an intention to reform and redeem herself, discarding her driving need for revenge upon those who killed her daughter a century before. The reveal of whether she can let go of her thirst for vengeance is remarkably good. I liked Warehouse 13’s first season, primarily due to the character of Claudia, who provides much of the show’s comic relief. The presence of Murray changed my perception of the show as disposable and I sincerely hope that the rumored spinoff for her character comes to fruition.


For people who never get tired of Nic Cage embarrassing himself: Season of the Witch

Cage is like a drunken uncle who keeps saying that one day soon he’ll get sober and things will be different. Three bottles of whiskey later, he repeats the same statement. At this point, the greatest mystery in our industry is how Cage keeps getting hired for movies. Everyone knows he is broke and unable to refuse any script; mayhap this is his appeal. He lacks the pride that other actors need as a prerequisite in order to perform on camera.

Whatever the reason, Cage’s name affixed to any title should make you do one of two things. You either run away screaming or you sit down and watch, transfixed by the intrinsic comedy of what is effectively a metaphor about Charlie Sheen as a movie career. At several points, Cage has mattered at the box office but in 2011, he is a punchline and nothing more. The proof of this is that Drive Angry is his better received release in the first half of the year. That film was enjoyed by 30% of Rotten Tomatoes critics. That makes Drive Angry the equivalent of Casablanca when compared to Season of the Witch. Only seven out of 102 critics at Rotten Tomatoes give the film a moderate thumbs up. Out of the 20 Top Critics who have seen the film, none enjoyed it. I am not joking here. Season of the Witch is 0% fresh among Rotten Tomatoes Top Critics. That knowledge alone may be enough to entice you into watching the film. It’s awful on an epic scale and if you are someone who enjoys MST3K-ing movies, this is a rare opportunity. See Season of the Witch now before it sweeps the Razzies later this year.

For people who enjoy homances: Rizzoli & Isles: The Complete First Season

The premise of this series is effectively Bones without any of the dudes. A hardass cop and her best friend, a hardass crime lab DNA detective, experience all of the problems women have the world today while they fight crime. This is serial television at its laziest in terms of show plots. It sounds like something The Simpsons would do in jest (poor Cyborganizer), yet this is a real show. I watched a couple of episodes of it to confirm that it was exactly what I expected it to be and it is. Rizzoli & Isles is a procedural that spends an entire episode (less than cleverly entitled I Kissed a Girl) debating whether either of the lead characters is a lesbian before emphatically denying such a possibility. To their credit, the producers of Cagney & Lacey were above such storylines, but the modern take on that theme is sadly generic. The depressing aspect is that Angie Harmon and Sasha Alexander are great leads who deserve better stories.

Pick of the week:
For…well, anyone with hormonal impulses: Sucker Punch

Zack Snyder’s first two movies, 300 and the Dawn of the Dead re-make, represent as great a debut as a director can have in this era. With Watchmen and Sucker Punch, the perception is that he has either taken a step back or been revealed as a one trick pony/fraud. I consider such criticisms harsh and largely inaccurate. Nobody was going to do a better job on Watchmen than Snyder did. As for Sucker Punch, that’s a bit more complicated.

I am of the opinion, an admittedly unpopular one, that Sucker Punch isn’t that far away from genius. The threads are there but when sewn together, it just isn’t quite right. Even so, I have complete confidence that this will be a movie that goes into my heavy play rotation due to the rare visual appeal. Sucker Punch is one of the three best IMAX experiences I have had to date, only clearly behind Avatar. It has sparkling graphics one would expect to see only in anime comic animations, making it a live action first. I cede the point that the story doesn’t tie together well, but Sucker Punch provides the one element missing in most big budget releases these days. It has daring. In spades. While Sucker Punch will not be well regarded by most people, I have complete confidence that a passionate subset of fans will turn this into a cult classic over time. Such is the fate of imaginative titles that are imperfect but overflowing with bravado. I am not saying that Sucker Punch is a good film, yet I say with complete sincerity that it is one you should watch. It may trigger a burst of creativity in you.

New releases for the week of June 28, 2011:

DVD:

Sucker Punch (PG-13)
Beastly (PG-13)
Season of the Witch (PG-13)
The Warrior's Way (R)
Barney's Version (R)
2012: Ice Age (PG)
3 Backyards (R)
3 Series Scooby-Doo TV Collection (R/Unrated)
About Adam / Down To You (R)
Alaskan Fishing (Not Rated)
Algeria: Drink, Smoke & Love (Not Rated)
All Aboard: Great American Railroads (Not Rated)
America The Beautiful (Not Rated)
American Experience: The Duel (Not Rated)
Ancient Aliens: Season Two (Not Rated)
Ancient Astronauts: Out Extraterrestrial Legacy (Not Rated)
Army Mega Moves (Not Rated)
Baby (Not Rated)
Bad Company: Live at Wembley (Not Rated)
Baghdad, Texas (Not Rated)
Baker King (Not Rated)
Batman / Batman Returns
Batman Forever / Batman & Robin (Not Rated)
Beneath Hill 60 (R)
Billy the Exterminator: Season 3 (Not Rated)
Blast! (Not Rated)
Bloodworth (R)
Bombers (Not Rated)
Bordertown: The Complete Series (Not Rated)
Bringing Ashley Home (Not Rated)
British Rail Journeys: Blaenau Ffestiniog (Not Rated)
Chairman Mao (Not Rated)
Christoph Von Dohnanyi In Rehearsal (Not Rated)
Christopher and His Kind (Not Rated)
Classic U.S. Combat Aircraft of WWII P-47 (Not Rated)
Cowboy Tech (Not Rated)
Craft in America: Messages Season 3 (Not Rated)
Cyrus (Not Rated)
David Mallet: Music Video Exposed (Not Rated)
Dawning (Not Rated)
Deliver Us from Evil (Not Rated)
Delphi: Center Of The World Sites Of The Worlds Cu (Not Rated)
Dice Dominator (Not Rated)
Dog the Bounty Hunter: This Family Means Business (Not Rated)
The Doobie Brothers: Live at the Greek Theatre (Not Rated)
Down In Mexico: My Dear Tom Mix / Dont Fool With L (Not Rated)
Dragon Ball Z Kai: Season 1, Part 5 (Not Rated)
Eleventh Aggression (Not Rated)
Erasing David (Not Rated)
Fortress / Total Recall 2070 (R)
Fun with Numbers (Not Rated)
Fun with the Alphabet A-Z (Not Rated)
George Gently: Series 3 (Not Rated)
Giant Structures (Not Rated)
Godfathers of Havana (Not Rated)
The Greatest Cage Matches of All Time (Not Rated)
Guilty Hearts (R)
Hell's Kitchen: Seasons 1-4 (Not Rated)
Heritage of British Monarchy (Not Rated)
High School of the Dead (Not Rated)
Hot & Spicy (Not Rated)
How The Universe Works (Not Rated)
Hunky Blues (Not Rated)
I'm Dirty (Not Rated)
I'm Dirty & I Stink (Not Rated)
Immigration Tango (R)
Impostor / Final Encounter (R)
Infested (Not Rated)
Jacques D'Amboise: Extraordinary Minds (Not Rated)
John Eliot Gardiner In Rehearsal (Not Rated)
John Muir in The New World (Not Rated)
Keep Out (Not Rated)
The King's Highway: El Camino Real (Not Rated)
Korea: Unfinished War (Not Rated)
Law & Order: Criminal Intent - Season 6 (Not Rated)
Lebanon, Pa. (PG-13)
Lee Holden: Qi Gong For Self-Healing (Not Rated)
Legends of the Silver Screen (Not Rated)
Lion vs. Lion (Not Rated)
Maneaters: Lions (Not Rated)
Max Manus: Man of War (Not Rated)
Melvin (Not Rated)
Michael Flatley: Lord of the Dance
Miramax Triple Feature Classics (Not Rated)
Miramax Triple Feature Crime (R)
Miramax Triple Feature Suspense (R)
Mountain Massacre (Not Rated)
Music Video Exposed: The Collection (Not Rated)
My Fair Lady (Not Rated)
Nature's Wrath (Not Rated)
Nature: Bears of the Last Frontier (Not Rated)
Natures Treasures (Not Rated)
The Next Big Bang (Not Rated)
Nightmares (Not Rated)
Ordinary Decent Criminal / Bravo Two Zero (R)
Patricia Cornwell's At Risk (Not Rated)
Patricia Cornwell's The Front (Not Rated)
People on Sunday (Not Rated)
The Perfect Man (Not Rated)
Play Hendrix (Not Rated)
Power Tools (Not Rated)
Pure Barre: Lowry Lofts 1 Ballet Dance & Pilates F (Not Rated)
Pure Barre: Lowry Lofts 2 Ballet Dance & Pilates F (Not Rated)
Quest for Vertical Take-Off (Not Rated)
Rammbock: Berlin Undead (R)
Reboot: Definitive Mainframe Edition (Not Rated)
Reboot: Seasons 3 & 4 (Not Rated)
Reviving Ophelia (Not Rated)
Rideback: The Complete Series (Not Rated)
Risk Takers/History Makers (Not Rated)
Rizzoli & Isles: The Complete First Season (Not Rated)
Roger Reynolds: Sanctuary for Percussion Quartet (Not Rated)
Royal Jewels (Not Rated)
The Royal Wedding Celebration (Not Rated)
Russell Mulcany: Music Video Exposed (Not Rated)
Satchmo: Masters of American Music (Not Rated)
Saving The Ocean: Shark Reef & Sacred Island (Not Rated)
Secret Mysteries of America: Untold History (Not Rated)
Sesame Street: Essentials Collection Learning (Not Rated)
Sk8 Life (Not Rated)
Skydiving (Not Rated)
Slot Buster (Not Rated)
Soft Drinks (Not Rated)
Spy Planes (Not Rated)
The Story of Queen Elizabeth I (Not Rated)
Super Ships (Not Rated)
Taken from Me: The Tiffany Rubin Story (Not Rated)
Team Umizoomi (Not Rated)
Tetsuo: The Bullet Man (Not Rated)
Timmy Time: Picture Day (Not Rated)
Tom & Jerry Value Pack (Not Rated)
Top Ten (Not Rated)
Tower Crane (Not Rated)
Twin Dragons / Dragon Lord (R)
Typeface (Not Rated)
U.S. Open: Graf vs. Seles 1995 Women's Final (Not Rated)
Underwater Universe: Season 1 (Not Rated)
A Victorian Reborn (Not Rated)
Waiting For Fidel / Late Night Talks With Mother & (Not Rated)
Warehouse 13: Season Two (Not Rated)
Wayne Isham: Music Video Exposed (Not Rated)
White Lightnin'
Wild Cherry (R)
The Yards / Lookout (Not Rated)

Blu-Ray:

The 40 Year-Old Virgin
The 9/11 Commission Report
Above & Beyond
Alpha Dog
American Gangster
Apollo 13
Backdraft
Bad Company: Live at Wembley
Barney's Version
Beastly
Black Moon
Burial Ground
Camille 2000
Camille 2000
Carlito's Way
Cowboy Bebop: The Movie
Darkman
Darwin: The Voyage That Shook The World
Dawn of the Dead
Dawning
Deep Purple: Phoenix Rising
Dideback: The Complete Series
Dragon Ball Z Kai: Season 1, Part 5
Eddie Vedder: Water on the Road
Forgetting Sarah Marshall
George Gently: Series 3
High School of the Dead
Hot Fuzz
In Bruges
The Incredible Journey of Mary Bryant
Inside Man
The Jackal
Jumanji
Knocked Up
The Last Starfighter
Lebanon, Pa.
Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels
The Lord Of The Rings: The Motion Picture Trilogy
Mamma Mia! The Movie
Max Manus: Man of War
Michael Flatley: Lord of the Dance
The Nesting
Out Of Africa
People on Sunday
Pride and Prejudice
Public Enemies
Scarface
Season of the Witch
Serenity
Sleeping With The Enemy
Smokin' Aces
Spy Game
State of Play
Stuart Little
Stuart Little 2
Sucker Punch
To the Ends of the Earth
Traffic
U-571
Uncle Buck
Unleashed
Van Helsing
Wanted
The Warrior's Way
Wild Cherry
Zathura
Zazie Dans Le Metro