Viking Night: The Ice Pirates
By Bruce Hall
June 30, 2011
BoxOfficeProphets.com
I guess it makes sense. We’re talking about a flick stuffed like a Christmas turkey with farting robots. And hairy Space Vikings, driving around in giant foam rubber Laser Tractors. And Space Amazons. Armed with Space-Whips. Riding killer Space Unicorns. Feel free to read that again. It’s all true. And it’s all set to a nauseating soundtrack lifted directly from an episode of The Love Boat. This is exactly what would happen if you left a bunch of kids alone in a room with ten million dollars, a refrigerator box full of pop rocks and a Panaflex. Some things in this world are so monumentally hideous they must be spoken of with hushed tones, and in secret places. Other things are terrible, but have redeeming qualities that make them worthwhile - like NyQuil. This movie is the first one, not the second. Don’t take my word for it, let me earn your trust by describing it for you.
The story is set a long time in the past, in a galaxy that is not very close to ours at all. A series of devastating space-wars have destroyed all the water in the galaxy, except on one planet. This planet is ruled by an evil force called the Templars, who use this precious water to enslave the galaxy and buy outrageously flamboyant uniforms. But ancient Legend tells of one last world on the far side of the galaxy, still covered with water and free of the Templar scourge. And it’s up to one plucky pirate crew to find it, and to bring the sweet taste of freedom - and free water - to everyone.
I immediately take issue with this premise. Don’t worry, I’m not about to jump on this movie for its lack of technical accuracy. Science fiction is supposed to be about people, and the particulars of the story are merely a vehicle for character development. I can excuse the odd yawning plot hole in favor of a ripping good yarn. And since this is a comedy, it should be even easier to go easy. But farce or not, Ice Pirates undermines itself about five minutes into the first act, and it does so with great irony. And it never stops doing it.
The problem I have is the water. That’s right, the water. One of the most abundant substances in space, made from two of the three most abundant elements in the universe - is gone. Poof! Because of a war. Now, that would imply a civilization in possession of some pretty wild technology wouldn’t it? Death rays, battle stations the size of small moons with highly vulnerable thermal exhaust ports two meters wide, that sort of thing. The point is, would you imagine the inhabitants of this society flying around in ships that looked like used Happy Meal toys? Would you imagine the mighty Templar soldiers dressed like the cast of Spamalot? Would you imagine the Space Pirates wearing Space Scarves, puffy shirts and fighting with what looks like the props they used to give you in ninth grade drama? The Ice Pirates is obviously supposed to be a send up of Star Wars, one of the most critically acclaimed visual effects driven pictures in history. So if you’re strapped with a low budget, you should make that part of the gag. But this movie expects you to take its biggest flaw seriously, destroying its own credibility right out of the gate.
I know, I’m really giving a movie like this a lot of credit by subjecting it to such analysis. But as I implied earlier, for some reason I was obsessed with this train wreck during my pre-teen years. Part of it was the fact that when you’re that age, fart jokes are still funny and ice cream is one of the four major food groups. But there were legitimate reasons, too. The film does have beloved television icon Robert Urich, best known for playing nice guys who always do the right thing. There are not qualities widely held within the pirate community. Plus, Urich was a niche actor and has nowhere near the gravitas to pull off a big screen leading role. Mary Crosby, best remembered as the answer to the question “Who Shot J.R.?” appears as Princess Karina. Because you can’t have a Space Pirate movie without a Space Princess. Duh. I actually consider this one of her more notable roles, since she tends to dominate the screen when she’s on and she emotes better than Meryl Streep did in Sophie’s Choice. I guess you can’t say Mary Crosby isn’t a professional.
As I mentioned, another notable cast members is Ron Perlman, who by 1984 had already nailed the charming, beefy rogue he will surely play for the rest of his career. Anjelica Huston is on board as a mannish but disturbingly hot she-pirate who looks like an '80s aerobics instructor gone homicidal. Believe it or not, she won her first Academy Award the very next year. No, seriously. I’m not joking. That’s a ‘69 Mets kind of turnaround. That’s all great, but it isn’t material to the quality of the film, which is exceptionally low. Sadly, what little joy one can derive from a movie like this is nostalgic, and remember what I said about nostalgia? I wasn’t remembering a film that I loved, I was simply enjoying what it once felt like to be intellectually susceptible to a “knock-knock” joke.
And that’s the film’s other primary flaw. The Ice Pirates has a sense of humor that only CAN appeal to an 11-year old boy. It thinks it’s funnier than it is, and it clearly believes dragging something unfunny out a few minutes will eventually MAKE it funny. Cross Star Wars with a high school stage production of Pirates of Penzance and a Rocky Horror Picture Show casting call. Then take away all the money, wit, charm and cleverness. Add the musical score to a late '70s Saturday morning cartoon and you’ve got The Ice Pirates. But I don’t want to be relentlessly negative, and I don’t want to leave you with a bad taste in your mouth for a whole week. So I’ll say that the movie DOES have a certain...small....quirky appeal. I can’t say that I’ve ever seen Space Pirates, kung fu robots, Ron Perlman in a scarf, a Space Herpes, a headless hermaphrodite and Space Amazons in the same movie. Yes, Space Amazons. With Space-Whips. On killer Space Unicorns. If there’s not an Oscar for that, there SHOULD be.