The Amazing Race All-Stars Recap
By Daron Aldridge
May 9, 2011
BoxOfficeProphets.com
Admittedly, my rankings were occasionally tinged with my feelings of the team but this week, I like all the teams. So I go to their highlight reels exclusively and based upon this season’s performances, here’s how I think Amazing Race: Unfinished Business will finish:
1. best friends Zev & Justin (Season 15) – These buddies have by far been the most consistent performers with four first place finishes out of eight legs that ended with a Pitstop (there were two non-pitstop "you’re still racing" episodes). Not only that, but these guys only had one really bad leg and that was very early in China. I think that they will cross the finish line first just ahead of…
2. Sisters Kisha & Jen (Season 14) – While Zev & Justin racked up a quartet of number one spots, Kisha & Jen took fourth place four times and never place below sixth. Save for that one sixth place, they were never outside the top teams and the last two legs were both second place. They have the momentum and that "they are due for a first place" mentality that could push them ahead of Zev & Justin and should definitely keep them ahead of…
3. Globetrotters Flight Time & Big Easy (Season 15) – I make no bones about it: The Globetrotters and the cowboys were my favorites coming into the season. Flight and Easy should be able to pull out a victory but they haven’t raced as well as last time. They captured two first place finishes but seemed to be middle of the pack (two fifth places, a sixth place and a seventh place) more often than the previously ranked final teams. In my opinion, that puts them just ahead of…
4. Father/daughter Gary & Mallory (Season 17) – Without really verifying it, Gary & Mallory appeared quite formidable but in reality, they only logged a single first place and it wasn’t even the leg where they used their Express Pass. They did get a pair of second places but also went from first to ninth on the first leg in Australia between the Pitstop fake-out and the actual Pitstop. In addition, of the remaining teams, they were the only ones left in the race because of a non-elimination leg. I am just not sure if they get it done and make it into the final three.
Once again, I will be happy with this prediction or any variation on it because there isn’t a one in the bunch that I dislike. Thank you to Kent & Vyxsin and Ron & Christina for not sticking around for the final.
For the last time this season, let’s pick up where the Race left off…Switzerland. After a Phil-narrated recap of the season and how the remaining teams have raced, we are shown just how close the last leg was: First place Globetrotters leave at 7:12 a.m. and fourth place Zev & Justin leave at 7:31 a.m.
Next stop: Rio de Janeiro. Everybody takes the train into Zurich to catch a flight. At the airport, we are given the brief misdirection that the Globetrotters and Zev & Justin were going to be on a flight several hours earlier than Gary & Mallory and Kisha & Jen. Thanks to Big Easy’s lack of poker face, both teams deduce the guys already had a better time. So, crisis averted and all the teams are on the same flight from snowy Switzerland to sunny Brazil.
Kisha & Jen previously pointed out that they are the only team left to not have a first place Pitstop but for all appearances, they are focused on the finish line. If you think about it that really is the only first place finish you should be concerned about claiming. With their train station and airport running, the girls are making the others step up if they want to keep up. As added motivation, both the sisters and the Globetrotters are hell bent on making it into the top three because both of them ended up in fourth on their previous seasons.
Once in Brazil, they have to head to a tram that will take them up the Escadaria Selaron where they have to find a tile that looks like a route maker.
The teams are sprinting to the cabs and then, the cabs are speeding to the tram…except for Flight Time & Big Easy’s cabbie who doesn’t respond as desired to “Rapida.” Instead he just offers them a friendly, possibly-stoned “Be calm.” Fortunately for the others, their cabbies weren’t calm and all of them are at the tram waiting for it to leave. With the anticipation of an expectant father from the 1970s who paces a rut into the waiting room floor, they are eyeing the ticket booth in hopes that they will leave before the basketball players make it.
They get their wish as Flight & Easy show up seconds after the tram leaves. The guys are now hanging out for the next 30 minutes for the tram to return. That is some bad taxi mojo. All it took was a commercial break and Easy’s demeanor changed from utter frustration to resignation. With Easy spouting off, “If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. If not, then we had a good time,” Flight gives about as harsh of a look that these guys have exchanged in either season. Picking up on Flight’s evident disagreement with accepting defeat, Easy quickly adds, “We ain’t finished yet, though, baby.” I fear that Easy’s going to throw in the towel once again. Judging by the silence and tension once they get on their tram, Flight is afraid of the same thing.
But I am getting ahead of myself. At the top of the hill, the teams quickly find the route marker tile with Zev & Justin still out front, but not by much. At their next destination, they get a taste of what people tend to think of about Brazil – Carnivale. The Roadblock involves one person learning the samba and leading people in the samba through the streets to a judge.
This Roadblock also gives a glimpse at the rules of the Race. Zev takes on this challenge because has only done four Roadblocks to Justin’s five Roadblocks. Several seasons ago, there were references to a requirement that teams have to go into the final even on the number of Roadblocks taken. Nice to see them making it balanced, so one person doesn’t do all the "heavy lifting" on the Race (i.e. Vyxsin and dead-weight Kent).
Unfortunately, a task that requires dancing is not Zev’s forte because as Justin points out, he’s only seen Zev dance when he’s been drinking. Doing Elaine Benes proud, Zev attempts and fails to complete it on the first try. It’s back to the practice stage for him. Meanwhile, Mallory who has been dancing for more than 20 years, steps up for her team. Without much effort but a whole lot of enthusiasm, Miss Kentucky gets the clue on the first attempt. They are heading to the Copa…Copacabana but not the hottest spot north of Havana as Brazil in a few thousand miles south of Cuba. Rather their next route maker is in front of a spa.
Zev had better loosen up because Kisha is now on the scene and getting her costume on. The Globetrotters have retrieved their tile route marker and look to capitalize on Zev’s tack of rhythm.
In what can only be described as the most unpleasant looking task EVER on the Amazing Race, Gary & Mallory find out their next task is to endure a 15 minute Brazilian waxing session. While not necessarily on the area that most people immediately think of, the other parts of the body will be just as unpleasant. As beauty pageant veteran and apparent frequent waxer Mallory says, “This is definitely pain for people who don’t get them.” Of course, then she reminds us of the hirsute-ness of Zev & Justin. This could be more painful than seeing Steve Carell in The 40-Year Old Virgin. My money is on someone not missing the chance to yell out Kelly Clarkson during the waxing session. This challenge makes me cringe and I am nowhere close to the waxin’ action.
With another practice under his belt (if the ridiculous Carnivale costume had a belt), Zev is leading his dancers again and so is Kisha. It’s the same result: Zev gets a “Nao” and Kisha gets a “Sim” from the judge. Zev’s lack of dancing ability has now dropped them from first to third with Big Easy suiting up for his Roadblock.
Gary has endured and Mallory has pretty much slept through their 15 minutes of waxing and they are faced with a Detour: On the Rocks or on the Beach. For Rocks, they have to head a bar, learn how to make a popular drink and then mix up 100 versions. For Beach, they have to go down to the beach and sell about $65 worth of bikinis. Oh yeah, they also have to get the buyer to try it on using a portable changing room. I think the producers misnamed this Detour and should’ve called it Booze or Boobs. Gary & Mallory go On the Rocks. After several failed attempts they are getting a groove going and start making a dent in their 100 drinks.
Zev goes head-to-head one more time with another team and the third time is the charm as he succeeds but Big Easy misses the jump at the end. If he thought dancing was painful, wait until he is about to experience the worst quarter of an hour of his and Justin’s lives.
Other than the Globetrotters jumping ahead of Zev & Justin whose cabbie gets briefly lost, there isn’t much to report on Kisha & Jen and Flight & Easy’s waxing session. They just power through it and Flight Time flirts the whole time with the ladies in there. Both teams acknowledge the difficulty in selling bikinis, so they are off to the bar.
As expected, Zev & Justin wail and scream like they are expendable cast members from the latest Saw movie. Justin drops a "Kelly Clarkson" and I need to call a bookie to collect my imaginary winnings. The comic relief of the task wears off pretty quickly as both guys are in serious pain and Justin even asks, “What the penalty if I knock her out?” I’m going to guess that it is whatever the prison sentence is for assault in Brazil.
The guys make it through and divert from the rest by going with selling bikinis in hopes that it will be faster. Initially, this seems like a good strategy because at this point, Gary & Mallory have only hit the 50 drink mark. But Zev & Justin find out that they don’t have a future in bikini sales.
The others are slowly chipping away at the On the Rocks task with Gary & Mallory finishing first and proving me wrong again. As they hit the mat as team number one, Zev & Justin officially bail on the bikinis for the drinks task. Phil informs Gary that if they do win, he will be the oldest person to win the Amazing Race.
Kisha & Jen roll out of the Detour as Zev & Justin roll up on the Detour. The sisters are officially in the final three of this season as team number two. With the fun and carefree spirit that made them a favorite team, the Globetrotters sing and dance their way through the task and hit the mat as number three. That means that Zev & Justin were my picks to win it, so of course, they are the ones eliminated just outside of the final three. They remain a team that I enjoyed and rooted for both seasons all the way through their eliminations.
There is not time for dilly-dallying; the final leg starts now.
As the teams get their last clue with the final destination city of Miami, each of them has a different perspective on what is left to be done. Gary & Mallory are looking to become the first parent/child team to win and feel like being in the final three with athletes will make them step up their game. I don’t think I would agree with that because it doesn’t matter how much your game is improved, in a foot race, you still lose against a stronger, faster person.
Kisha & Jen have adopted my earlier attitude that the last leg is the only one you should really be focused on getting first. And the Globetrotters just want to bring home the win. The guys even check their backpacks, so they won’t be weighed down.
Everyone is on the same flight and darting from the terminal to the cab stand. The Globetrotters and sisters are the first ones out, while Gary & Mallory flounder a bit.
At the harbor, the last Roadblock awaits them. The teams have to use a fork lift to dry dock a boat. It seems straightforward, but this would be a daunting task. Flight Time and Kisha elect to do it for their teams. Where are Gary & Mallory, you may ask? Well, someone had to draw the short cab straw. Their cabbie is a proud man, who doesn’t want to admit he’s lost and needs help.
Flight’s experience using a forklift at Walmart in his pre-Globetrotters days has paid off with completing the dry dock Roadblock first. Kisha is right behind them as they head for Key Largo.
Gary & Mallory get on the right path and hopefully, they can switch out their cabbie while Gary works on the Roadblock.
As they approach Key Largo, Flight Time instructs their cabbie to take the money and get gas while they are at the task but to come back. If he actually follows through with this, this is a brilliant but untested strategy. Key Largo holds another clue with a new Roadblock. Big Easy is on deck for this one and it involves donning a "bob suit" (or personal submarine) and searching through treasure chests for a clue.
The distance between Easy and Jen is gone as both start the Roadblock at the same time. Gary finishes up his dry dock Roadblock and Mallory estimates that they are about 25 minutes behind the others. That number will likely increase because they are sticking with their crappy cabbie.
Meanwhile, Easy has got the clue and they have to find Mile Marker 29 but uh oh…their cab hasn’t returned from his gas-getting errand, so they take off running down the street looking for another one. Jen has also found her underwater clue and still only minutes separate them but in the opposite direction with the girls now in first place.
At mile marker 29, Kisha & Jen get their mile marker clue, which instructs them to mimic Jesus (my words not the clue’s wording) and walk across a shallow stretch of ocean to Horseshoe Island to find the tallest tree and their next clue. This must be the scavenger hunt portion of the leg. Of all the notable landmarks in the city of Miami and surrounding areas, the teams now get to visit…a mobile home park!?! The Amazing Race is now glamorizing the retiree-trailer park lifestyle.
The teams have to haul a small trailer to a lot and set it up exactly like in the picture provided for reference. Mother Nature has decided to level the playing field by kicking up the wind. This has allowed Gary & Mallory to make it to the task while the others are still there for the first time this leg. Kisha & Jen strike out on their initial inspection because it didn’t match exactly (they were missing some items on their picnic table). It seems as if this task based upon tedium has replaced the usual race memory test that punctuates the race’s final leg. This bums me out a bit.
Fortunately for the girls, Flight & Easy are having just as much trouble with getting the right placements on the picnic table. Kisha finally notices their mistake and corrects it. They are the first ones heading to the finish line.
The Globetrotters inspect the girls’ handiwork to see where they were lacking and notice the picnic table is the trouble spot. With that they on their way and on the heels of Kisha & Jen. Gary & Mallory are pretty much nonfactors at this point. I stand by the conclusion that they were done in by an ignorant cabbie. As Gary put it earlier, “He lives here and doesn’t know where anything is.” Bad luck for them means less competition for the others.
At the ominous Seven Mile Bridge, the sisters each jump on a bicycle/tricycle combo and start pedaling…all…seven…miles. Even though Flight Time & Big Easy aren’t too far behind, they can’t overcome the distance on what is more long distance race than a sprint to the finish line.
Battling through the wind and fatigue, the official winners of The Amazing Race: Unfinished Business are Kisha & Jen, who become only the second all female team to win. The Globetrotters take second but acknowledge that the girls were the most consistent team out there and they never faltered.
Congratulations to Kisha & Jen and thanks to The Amazing Race for another entertaining season. May your mantle welcome another Emmy into your home.