The Amazing Race All-Stars Recap
By Daron Aldridge
March 14, 2011
BoxOfficeProphets.com
There has been some shuffling in my power rankings, due to one team proving me very wrong so far.
1) Best friends Zev & Justin (Season 15) – Two first place finishes in a row is officially a streak and I couldn’t be happier. Like last time, I think that they are the only ones that can beat themselves. So, keep racing smart, fellas.
2) Father/daughter Gary & Mallory (Season 17) – Here is the pair that I underestimated majorly because they didn’t stand out more last season amongst some very strong teams. If I lavish praise on Zev & Justin for two strong weeks of racing, then I have to justly give credit to this father/daughter team for their second place last week. They appear to be more competitive than I thought.
3) Sisters Kisha & Jen (Season 14) – Not succumbing to a weak bladder yet, these sisters are hanging with the front of the pack and are now my pick for the sole all-female team in the finals.
(tie) 4) Cowboys Jet & Cord (Season 16) and Globetrotters Flight Time & Big Easy (Season 15) – Now for a tie for fourth between two teams that have yet to fully rekindle their race mojo that made me a fan in the first place. They aren’t racing badly but neither appears to be racing wisely or as passionately as last time. If they bring that back, then the top three teams are in danger.
(tie) 6) Mother/son Margie & Luke (Season 14) and NFL cheerleaders Jaime & Cara (Season 14) – The last leg was as forgettable and unspectacular for the mom/son team as it was spectacularly horrendous for the cheerleaders. The girls are only here because Mike couldn’t hang with his dad’s endurance. That said, both teams have kept the team dynamic in check and haven’t shown the explosive potential of…
(tie) 8) Goth couple Kent & Vyxsin (Season 12) and Father/Daughter Ron & Christina (Season 12) – Despite Ron & Christina whining their way into third place and the Goths squarely in the middle, both teams are one Scanners-esque head explosion away from knocking themselves out of the race. Ron and Kent are constantly on the edge of sabotaging their own team with a childish or irrational fit, so I can’t in good consciousness think either will last until the end.
In the pole position, Zev & Justin rip into their clue and the four-hour lead they had on the last place team evaporates. The teams are now heading to Lijang, China on the same prearranged flight because there are limited departures. But their plane will actually land in Kunming, China and then they have to find their own way to Lijang. So there is at least some drama.
Team Angry Dad (Ron & Christina) is giddy with excitement of heading to China so they can use their Chinese fluency to their advantage, whereas Jen & Kisha and the cheerleaders don’t have pleasant memories of racing in China. In fact, Jen reminisces that it was in China that she got elbowed by Luke and she called him a “bitch.” But with a Nissan serving as her confession booth, she apologizes publicly for it.
Have you ever had one of those days where you just know that a great outlook on the day will make it great? Well, I hope that worked for you better than it does for Kent & Vyxsin. The Goths are trying out their new slogan of PMA or Positive Mental Attitude but as expected, it lasts all of 45 seconds when they can’t find the car or figure out the keyless remote. Unexpectedly, it’s Vyxsin’s short fuse that is lit and the countdown begins to her meltdown. All the other teams have arrived at the airport, caught some shut-eye and are checked in at 6:30 a.m. for their flight at 9:50 a.m.
So, 3…2…1…tears. The lady Goth’s navigation skills have sent them hours in the wrong direction and that error reduces Vyxsin to tears and even addressing the camera directly to bid the race farewell. I didn’t see this coming. Kent is displaying a zen-like calm amidst all her waterworks, histrionics and self-blame.
Back at the Narita airport, the other teams are baffled that the Goths haven’t shown up. Justin observes, “Even if they had to walk to the airport, they should have been here by now.” Not very sympathetic but funny. Unfortunately, Kent doesn’t get the miracle he was hoping for and the required flight leaves on time. The Goths finally arrive at the Narita Airport and get seats on the next flight at 3:30 in the afternoon or more than five and a half hours after the others.
About four hours into the Goths’ flight, the others have landed in Kunming and begin surveying their travel options. Instead of getting on another plane that wouldn’t leave until the morning, everyone opts for riding the rails. The linguistic skills of Ron & Christina have paid off and they use a fellow traveler’s laptop to quickly determine that an 8:50 p.m. train is the best option and they are the only team on this train. The others converge on the train ticket booth ten minutes too late. This puts all the remaining teams, save for Kent & Vyxsin, on the next train at 10:16 p.m.
Meanwhile, our wayward Goths have landed in Kunming in the wee hours of the morning and there are zero plane or train options for them. They are left to cool their heels until morning. Even though Ron & Christina arrive in Lijiang at 5:38 a.m., it doesn’t really matter because the shuttle taking them to Jade Dragon Mountain won’t leave until 8 a.m. I hope Ron is still finding comfort in the local food stuffs that he insisted upon them stopping for.
The Goths avoid a brief scare at the airport ticket counter when their team’s Least Valuable Member this leg, Vyxsin, leaves her passport behind. It is quickly recovered, which is followed by Kent repeatedly saying “I am going to shoot you.” I don’t think those the wisest phrase to be saying out loud in a foreign country’s airport but that just may be me. Fortunately, Kent avoids being detained.
It’s 8 a.m. and the shuttle is now full, much to Ron & Christina’s chagrin. Also, the Goths have landed and are en route to grab the next shuttle. They have made up a fair amount of ground at this point.
Because of all but one team being together, this leg is looking more and more like it will be a footrace for first place. After the shuttle ride up Jade Dragon Mountain, all of them sprint to the clue box but the extremely high altitude is kicking their collective butts. The clue directs them to saddle and ride a yak across a water path to get their next clues. Only one has to do it but it isn’t officially a Roadblock. Each of them completes the yak task incident-free and gets to ride a gondola even higher (nearly three miles above sea level according to Phil) to Spruce Meadow.
Now it’s time for the Roadblock: The team member has to search through thousands of decorative pieces for the 12 animals of the Chinese zodiac. Then they have to place them in order on a mobile. Since everyone is together and there is no discernible leader at this point, here’s who’s doing the Roadblock: Cara, Zev, Big Easy, Kisha, Luke, Mallory and Christina.
Right from Jump Street, Luke, Christina and Mallory all get their completed set and start assembling their mobile. Our diminutive beauty queen Mallory aces her task and even tells a struggling Luke to look at hers to see the order. Christina gets her clue next, followed by Luke. The teams are now heading back to the shuttle and then to Old Town Lijiang.
One by one the teams are collecting their pieces and finishing the task, except Zev. Fittingly for a guy wearing an Elmer Fudd hat, the one sign of the Chinese Zodiac that is eluding him is the Rabbit. Shhh…he’s hunting wabbits (albeit not very successfully). Meanwhile, Vyxsin has saddled up on her yak and they are inching closer to the Roadblock. Zev appears to just be trying to make me eat my words of praise earlier and regret putting them in first place in my power rankings.
Without much effort, Gary & Mallory are first team on the shuttle but in their haste Ron & Christina get on a green tram that is clearly not a bus and head down the mountain. Recognizing that they have to follow the directions of the clue exactly, Christina corrects Ron, which makes him angry and we wouldn’t like him when he’s angry. I would say it’s a pretty safe bet I wouldn’t like him much even when he’s not angry. As she is verbally accosted by Ron, Christina must be thinking, “I should have done this race with Mom.” Ron doesn’t understand that they can’t just go in the tram since it is heading the same place. Either because she really wanted to flag down the right bus or just wanted to get the hell away from Ron, she jumps off the tram and onto her posterior.
Seeing Christina running down the hill toward them, the Globetrotters tell their driver to stop to let them on. This basically makes the father/daughter team look like sore losers for complaining about the moved fanny pack in Japan, which hit this team just selflessly offered help with a 30-minute penalty.
The frustration isn’t just all over Zev’s face at this point but is oozing from every pore. He finds all the pieces and can’t figure out the order to hang them. He’s about to get company, though, because Vyxsin is there and has started rounding up her pieces.
While they wait, being a smart player, Justin asks Kent what happened to them in Japan. Kent makes up a story about having car trouble that made them miss their flight. Without much subtlety, Justin asks, “So the flight you took was not the flight you were supposed to take.” The subtext here is that Kent & Vyxsin might be facing a time penalty because she can’t use a map or compass.
Well-played, Justin. As they go back to watching their teammates at the Roadblock, Kent puts his hands up in a prayer position. So, of course, the producers segue to Old Town Lijiang, where Margie & Luke and Gary & Mallory are at the next clue that tells them to make a zodiac wish and place it in the prayer box of their sign.
The long-winded Mallory can’t even keep her wish brief as she wishes something about her and her dad having a great experience on the race…blah, blah, blah. Gary’s wish: “Win”. Both teams are now looking down the barrel of the Detour. This time it is Hammer or Horn. For Hammer, they have to use a giant hammer to smash molten candy into the right shape for their clue. For Horn, they have to pick up a large horn and led a group of dancers to a palace.
The other teams start to arrive in Old Town and are now making their zodiac wish but Flight Time & Big Easy have no clue as to what their sign is, so they are stalled out there, as Ron & Christina, the cowboys, the sisters, and the cheerleaders have all passed them up.
Amazingly, Zev is still struggling at the Roadblock but he finally figures out that he has two "goats" instead of a "horse," which is why he keeps getting denied the clue. He corrects himself and they are finally on their way back to the gondola. Justin tries to encourage him by saying that he is proud of him because he finished it and didn’t quit. Meanwhile, Vyxsin is trying back on the utter frustration she wore so well while being lost in Japan at the beginning of the leg.
Flight & Easy eventually rattle off the entire list of zodiac animals to get their clue. Not too far ahead of them, Ron is doing his best to derail his team by stopping at another street food vendor to watch the guy cook fish. Christina rightfully yells at him to keep moving. I have no idea why Ron thinks the way he does. He gets livid when she doesn’t race hard enough in his eyes but he is cool with lollygagging in the MIDDLE OF A FREAKIN’ TASK!
Gary & Mallory and Margie & Luke both choose Hammer and get to channel Gallagher in China. The cowboys and Kisha & Jen have capitalized on Ron’s appetite for self-destruction and caught up to them. As they all pound away at the task, Ron predictably takes a break to sample the candy they are making. Meanwhile, Jaime & Cara are the only team to this point opting for Horn but realize that the weight is too much, so they backtrack to the Hammer.
Back at the Roadblock, Vyxsin’s frustration has evolved into her second full-blown meltdown this leg. This is quite the role reversal for these guys. Based upon their track record, Kent should be the one sobbing and curled up in a ball on ground. She collects herself following the requisite commercial break and heads o the gondola with Kent.
At the Detour, Ron is still snacking and the others have gotten their last clue directing them to the Pitstop at Eternal Tower. Battling for first are Margie & Luke, Jet & Cord, Gary & Mallory and Kisha & Jen. Flight & Easy had chosen the Horn task and are leading their dancers to the palace. As they play the Pied Piper, the cheerleaders have started smashing the candy and Zev & Justin are making their way to the start of the Horn task as well.
The footrace to the Pitstop ends with Margie & Luke as the first team to arrive and…to be told they are still racing. Dang, the producers are adamant about keeping these race veterans guessing. This is the second faux Pitstop in four episodes. The official order of the remaining cast members (who are about to have their dreams of rest destroyed) is: Jet & Cord as number two, Gary & Mallory as number three, Ron & Christina as number four, Kisha & Jen as number five, the Globetrotters as number six and the cheerleaders as number seven.
Meanwhile, Zev & Justin are close to completing their Detour but we don’t get to see them get good news from Phil because we have to check in with our hapless Goths. While riding the shuttle to Old Town, Vyxsin makes the devastating discovery that they lost their fanny pack with all their passports somewhere between the Roadblock and the shuttle. The producers show us that the gondola is the scene of the absent-minded crime. As Vyxsin pleads and argues with the driver to turn around, “To be continued” flashes on the screen.
For the Goths, this leg brought two meltdowns by Vyxsin and two incidents of misplaced passports. Their ineptitude alone should put them out of their Amazing Race misery. Also, there is still the threat of the time penalty for missing the flight but we will have to wait until next week to see how it all shakes out.