Classic Movie Review: You Only Live Twice
By Josh Spiegel
November 29, 2010
BoxOfficeProphets.com
Even now, with MGM, the studio that has had its hand in every one of the 22 James Bond films that have been released over nearly 50 years, in general disarray, there are still strong hopes for the 23rd entry in the series. Before MGM had its financial troubles, names abounded. Of course, Daniel Craig would be back as the famed British spy for his third installment. Oscar-winning director Sam Mendes was going to be brought in as a consultant, but many assumed he’d take the mantle of director. Oscar-nominated screenwriter Peter Morgan was taking a crack at the script for the film. These two men may not seem like likely candidates to helm and write a James Bond movie, but why not? Keeping the character and franchise fresh worked for Casino Royale, so it could easily bear fruit for a new movie. Alas, it may not happen, at least not that way.
Over the past few months, out of sheer curiosity, I’ve been watching the James Bond film franchise from the beginning. I say curiosity, because, yes, friends, I’d never seen a James Bond movie pre-Goldeneye, which was the first James Bond movie I was actively aware of, as it came out when I was only 11, a ripe age to watch a big action blockbuster. Part of the reason I’d never watched the older films was because they seemed like relics. Some of the names sounded vaguely cool - Thunderball, Moonraker, Goldfinger - but also kind of ridiculous. I was able to glean from the Austin Powers trilogy that Mike Myers was making fun of 007, but didn’t even need to pick up on the specific references to laugh at the silliness of a lothario bedding every woman he came in contact with.
Watching the old movies makes the first Austin Powers film seem like one of the sharpest comedies in years (recently, I ended up watching that movie for the first time in a long time). It’s not just the supervillain who strokes a white cat, it’s the sexual politics of the era. I’m not saying that a guy as charismatic and handsome (even with a very, very obvious toupee) as Sean Connery wouldn’t be able to get a girl or two, but by the time You Only Live Twice opened (the fifth Bond film), everyone seems to just think, “Well, I guess this is the part where he sleeps with the hot girl, right?” James Bond movies should be exciting, but this one, especially, is a dry, slow-moving affair that seems purposely disinterested in the action sequences and debonair panache with which the spy is supposed to hold himself.
The one intrigue of the early films is that they choose to be very patient with the reveal of the Big Bad (keeping up the Whedon theme), Ernst Stavro Blofeld. You Only Live Twice does not mark Blofeld’s first appearance, but it’s the first time we see his face. Previously, all we’d seen was a hand stroking a white cat; now, we see that while Mike Myers is doing an impersonation of Lorne Michaels as Dr. Evil, he’s playing Blofeld down to the scar on his face. In You Only Live Twice, Blofeld is played by Donald Pleasence as a visually menacing bad guy who also seems like you could punch him in the face and he’d burst into a million pieces. That he gets away is the point; what is the purpose of having an ultimate bad guy who gets killed like I’m snapping my finger?
But for all the fanfare, the Blofeld reveal and Bond’s blasé reaction just makes the whole story seem boring. You Only Live Twice (a line spoken by Blofeld to Bond, who purposely fakes his own death at the beginning of the film) was set and shot entirely in Asia. Bond’s mission involves stopping the Cold War from going further, as the U.S. and Russia are at loggerheads because it seems that Russia has destroyed a U.S. space station to further their stance in the space race of the 1960s. Of course, SPECTRE, the organization run by Blofeld, is behind the whole mishegas, an official revelation that takes way too long to come out. Bond has to deal with various baddies, but the real intrigue here is that, look, James Bond isn’t in Europe! Let’s all drink in the culture of Asia, yes?
Uh, no. At least not in this version. The film, written by Roald Dahl (you know, the author of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory), has perhaps the lowest and most sexist view of women in the five Sean Connery-led Bond films, and that is saying something. Each of the movies, of course, has the typical Moneypenny scene, where Miss Moneypenny, the attractive secretary, essentially tries to have sex with James Bond with her clothes on and he playfully laughs it off without sealing the deal. Even for something so ridiculous, it’s kind of charming (if only for being so antiquated) in the first film, but by this time, even Miss Moneypenny looks bored at the prospect of bedding 007. Connery was close to severing ties with the Bond franchise, and you can see it in his face. James Bond should never look bored; the biggest issue in the series can be that there’s only a modicum of suspense, as we can’t really grasp the idea that 007 might, you know, die.
You Only Live Twice isn’t so much a bad movie as a tired one. I can only hope that if there’s a new Bond movie, it won’t seem like people aren’t happy to be there. One of the great joys of Casino Royale - which becomes a more accomplished film each time I watch one of the Connery installments, and I liked it a lot to begin with - is that it’s an intense entry in the franchise, one where James Bond, at the very least, looks like he’s trying to kick ass, as opposed to just assuming that he can perform the bare minimum and get the job done. Very little about You Only Live Twice strikes me as interesting (you may have noticed that I’ve not mentioned the Bond girl, whose name is Kissy…really), but from what I’ve read, there’s worse to come when Roger Moore dons the mantle.