Big Brother 12: Week 3
By Eric Hughes
August 1, 2010
BoxOfficeProphets.com
The contest had the remaining houseguests riding on stationary surfboards positioned a few feet off the ground. The contestant who remained in the game the longest – while fending off water, a retracting board and other distractions – won. Seems like the games have finally gotten safer, eh Britney?
Brendon, who’s so pussy whipped it’s nuts, said all he wants is to be Rachel’s “knight in shining armor. And the only way I can do that is stand on that shiny board.” What a doll.
Enzo, who’s mentioned grenades, bombs and other weaponry an uncomfortable amount of times on air, said once more that he and his brigade had to “drop grenades and take these people out.”
He eventually fell, and seemed pretty upset with himself. Among other people, Enzo legit said that he let down Jersey. As in the state. As if Jersey folk would care that he fell off a surfboard in a humdrum season of Big Brother. Perhaps they do. I know little to nothing about New Jersey and her people, and I’m okay with that.
Ragan, who would come in second place, related the competition to high school bullying, in that maintaining his balance on a surfboard proved he had come so far from his teenage years. I don’t get it.
Also of note: Andrew wore extremely short shorts in this one. Shorts that would even make Rachel go, “Nuh uh.” Come on, boy. We don’t need to see that.
So it came down to Ragan and Matt. Prior to Matt claiming victory after 135 minutes of standing, Andrew would venture out back into the yard and make it known that he was retrieving his yarmulke, which had gone missing. The dude really lays the Jew on thick.
And I don’t say this to be crass. He just really, really does. Moments before in a talking head, Andrew said he can’t be a “have not” for the week because the main meal, slop, isn’t kosher.
Like Ron Burgundy with his milk, Rachel immediately regretted her decision to kick Monet out of the house, and not Matt. After Matt claimed HoH, Rachel pulled him aside and apologized for calling him out, and Matt’s like whatever. Ouchy.
While showing off his HoH room, Matt shared a letter with his housemates. If you recall, early in the game Matt made up a medical condition that his wife was diagnosed with, and he was playing the game for her.
Well.
The letter, from his wife, was all about the disease and how people have really stepped it up while Matt’s been gone. And that she’s pushing through it all, and yada yada.
So convincing, in fact, that the resident doctor (Andrew) said he was sorry for previously doubting Matt’s pity story.
Anyone else sickened by this? As far as I’m concerned, Matt and his wife can go to hell.
Hayden and Kristen continued their “secret” showmance. Enzo, who came up with the riotous idea that they’re cousins – “They could be cousins, bro. They could be cousins!” – would be wildly caught off guard learning that they like to spoon each other and other things.
Like last week, Hayden and Kristen decided it best to snuggle at night while other houseguests slept five feet away. Who’re they kidding? Hayden: “We have to be really, really careful. You know what I mean?” No, I don’t know what you mean, Hayden. I just don’t.
Big Brother’s other showmance, which isn’t so secret, kept on chugging. Britney related it to “a soap opera 24 hours a day.” Andrew, who shares a bedroom with Brachel, walked in on them once and requested that they “get a room.” Not sure if he picked up on the irony of that one.
Oh, and before Matt nominated Andrew and Kathy for eviction – his plan? Backdoor Brendon – the “have nots” learned that in addition to slop, they’d get to eat baby food and bok choy for the week. Enzo, on the bok choy: “Bok choy looks like a bootleg piece of lettuce.” Hilarious.
On Wednesday’s show, peaches, which have nots can’t eat, were swimming in the iced tea, which have nots can drink. So, the combination made the drink illegal for have nots.
Most people would make a new batch of iced tea. But Andrew? He threw an immature outburst and stormed off to his room like he’d just been fired from his day job. Douche chiiiiiilllll.
Next up was picking players for the Power of Veto game. To the brigade’s dismay, both Brendon and Rachel earned coveted spots in the competition.
While the brigade complained about their lack of luck in the house, I digress. Had Matt simply nominated Brachel for eviction, either one of them would have gone home this week. The brigade doesn’t need luck, but brains.
Lane’s reaction: “It just itches me that they got picked. Give me some Pop Rocks!” No seriously. He was up in Matt’s HoH room and requested Pop Rocks at an inopportune time.
Lane’s a good guy, though. He showed his true colors this week. For one, he made a point to say that he’s glad he’s on the show so he can learn about different cultures. This came after he confused Andrew’s prayer garb for ninja costumes.
Also, he explained to the group that he misses a game he plays a ton back home. Called Spotlight, the game is this: Buy beer, drive around with friends in the dark, shine a spotlight, shoot at animals with guns.
Next was Veto of Fortune, the game that would determine the fate of Matt’s nominations. Basically a big game of count, houseguests had 10 minutes to memorize weird shit like the amount of eyeballs in a large vase (which Andrew insisted on sticking his hand in), the number of candlesticks in a display and so on.
Brendon won, so Matt’s nominations stayed the same.
Brendon, to Rachel: “Didn’t I say I’d fight for us?!” Dude. So you guessed closest to the number of cards in a giant house of cards. BFD.
But before Brendon kept things as is, Andrew approached him about igniting a little house shake up. Andrew essentially asked Brendon to follow his lead at the PoV ceremony, and Brendon accepted.
At the ceremony, Andrew said he was gunning for Brachel thanks to prior misdeeds, and then requested that Brendon use the PoV on him. He fooled no one.
Britney: “Am I in the Twilight Zone? What just happened?”
After Brendon’s surprise win, the brigade complained that they’re due for a break. Or, they could play the game better?
On Thursday’s show, Kathy said she had no idea what Andrew’s speech was about. Truth be told, neither do I. It was poorly acted and didn’t make a lick of sense.
Andrew thought people would want to keep him in the house because he openly said he was gunning for Branchel. If anything, the only thing that resulted was an augmented target on Andrew’s back.
Free from the threat of eviction, Brachel kissed a lot. The usual scene. The best was when Rachel explained to Brendon how upsetting it is to always be the center of attention. Rachel: “I’m so tired of people” – nom nom nom – “targeting us.” (The nom noms would be Rachel interrupting herself to smooch Brendon). Their relationship is a bit repulsive.
Before votes were cast, Kathy shared a sweet message with the house. It basically boiled down to her saying that her one constant through the game was to always be herself, and that she wouldn’t change for other people. It was delightful.
Then Andrew went nuts. In what was a defining moment for the young season, Andrew outed Hayden and Kristen’s “secret” showmance and then shared with the house many of the things they had said in private about the other houseguests:
- Britney: Kristen doesn’t like the way she talks
- Ragan: Kristen thinks she has him in her pocket
- Lane: Hayden loves him, but would only take him so far in the game before voting him out
- Enzo: Apparently they said some dreadful things about his intelligence that Andrew failed to repeat
Though Andrew was merely playing whistleblower, the house didn’t like what he had to say and unanimously evicted him.
Ragan, during his live vote: “I vote to institutionalize and evict Andrew.”
Even the studio audience ignored Andrew when he made the Big Brother walk of shame from the front door to Julie Chen’s interview arena. In what may be a first for the show, no one gave Andrew a high five.
The episode ended with yet another HoH competition. Brachel fans rejoice! Rachel won.