This Weekend, Watch This
By Curt David
January 15, 2010
BoxOfficeProphets.com

I knew I shoulda taken that left turn at Albequerque
New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some people could pick a movie based on the title (surprisingly- The Rock, Rocky, and The Rocky Horror Picture Show all have different genres). Some people watch trailers (misleading), some people listen to their friends (friends can be idiots), and some people only go to the movies if their Hollywood crush is on the screen (FOR THE ULTIMATE CATHERINE ZETA-JONES STORY, scroll down to the bottom of the article!).

More likely than not, each weekend there is a movie that you have never heard of in the theaters. I'll save you the hassle of researching every movie, by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then, I'll tell you which movie to watch.

For the weekend of Jan. 15th, the new movies in wide release are The Book of Eli, The Lovely Bones, and The Spy Next door.

The Book of Eli The Lovely Bones The Spy Next Door Winner
(1 point per category)
Clearest TitleWho is this Eli? And why does he have a book? I just don't know. Where do these bones come from? And who finds them attractive? I'm so confused. Oh! I see. There's a spy. And he's going to live next door. That makes sense to me. And unless The Spy Next Door has the complete opposite storyline, it wins the point for best title.
Best Genre &
Rating		Action (Post-apocalyptic)

Rated R for some brutal violence and language. 		Drama/Supernatural

Rated PG-13 for mature thematic material involving disturbing violent content and images, and some language. 		Comedy/Action

Rated PG for sequences of action violence and some mild rude humor. 		This weekend, movie-goers can either choose between mild rude humor (50% of the point), or supernatural Apocalypse stuff (each movie gets 25% of the point).
Cleverest Tagline (out of 5 stars) Some will kill to have it. He will kill to protect it.

Hmm, that must be some book. 2/5 stars 		The story of a life and everything that came after....

Spooky tagline, when added to the title and the supernatural genre. 3/5 stars 		Spying is easy. Babysitting is hard.

I predict the spy/babysitter meets wild children and hilarity ensues. 2/5 stars 		It made me smile to imagine The Book of Eli and The Spy Next Door switching their taglines. The Lovely Bones wins the point.
Best Part of Trailer"Put that hand on me again, you won't get it back."
"I told you you weren't going to get that back." 		WHOA! Started out all dramatic then turned into a thriller. This trailer wasn't really funny, but Jackie Chan made it very easy to watch. So the Book of Eli is apparently the only copy of the Bible left and Denzel Washington has to kick butt. It wins this point.
Coolest Lead ActorDenzel Washington from Remember the Titans has been nominated for 5 Oscars and has won 2. Mark Wahlberg from "Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch" has been nominated for an Oscar for The Departed. Jackie Chan, from the Rush Hour trilogy, has been nominated for 9 MTV Movie awards and won 3. "Hey Chicken. How's it hanging? A lot of people want to eat you, but I just want to talk to you, okay? Say hi to your mother for me." This quote gives Mark Wahlberg the point.
Best Cast MemberMila Kunis looked beautiful in That 70s Show and Max Payne. Rachel Weisz looked beautiful in The Mummy and Definitely, Maybe. Amber Valletta looked beautiful in Hitch and Premonition. I decided to marry Mila Kunis yesterday. Unfortunately, I just found out she is dating Macaulay Culkin?! Shoot. Eh, she still wins.
Best Street Cred
for the Production		Directed by Allen and Albert Hughes who have also directed Johnny Depp in From Hell. Directed by Peter Jackson who has also directed a little known trilogy called Lord of the Rings. Directed by Brian Levant who has also directed The Flintstones and Beethoven! While Beethoven was a classic movie, unless your name is James Cameron, you can't beat Peter Jackson in this category. Point.


So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, The Lovely Bones scores 3 1/4 points, The Book of Eli scores 2 1/4 points, and The Spy Next Door scores 1 1/2 points.

You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you'd rather see a movie with Harrison Ford or Julie Andrews, then come back next weekend. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: On paper, The Lovely Bones is the movie to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2:
Conclusion 3:
Forget about the conclusions, I met Catherine Zeta-Jones this weekend!!!!

On Saturday night, I saw Catherine Zeta-Jones' new Broadway musical in NYC called "A Little Night Music." Afterwards, my friend Amanda and I were the first in line by the stage door exit (the fences were in a "T" shape, and the stars would hop back and forth to sign autographs). Hunter Ryan Herdlicka, a lead actor from the show, came outside and pulled a Playbill out of his backpack with Angela Lansbury's autograph and gave it to a person in the crowd. I asked him if he had Catherine Zeta-Jones' autograph in his backpack. Amanda chimed in that I was her biggest fan. Hunter said he could do me one better. He went inside the building to tell Ms. Zeta-Jones that I was her biggest fan, then he came back out of the building and told me, "You'll be the first autograph she'll give tonight.".....a couple minutes later, a stunning Catherine Zeta-Jones exited the stage door, walked over to me (I was in a frozen state of shock), signed my playbill, signed some other people's, and got in her limousine and left.
It was magical.