What I Learned From Movie X
By Tom Houseman
October 13, 2009
BoxOfficeProphets.com
"Every kid dreams of growing up to become a sports star." Is this an overly simplistic generalization? Perhaps, but Hollywood has certainly made a lot of movies based on this assumption. I know that I absolutely fell into this category, and I made my parents waste a lot of money taking me to every movie Hollywood made about kids playing sports, spending obscene amounts of money on candy, popcorn and soda to ensure that I would never have the physique of a sports star. These absurdly formulaic films always featured the underdog coming back against insurmountable odds to beat the cocky Goliaths (who generally wore black). These are movies that the chimpanzee from Ed could have written, and I ate them up like they were milk duds.
And what was the best part of all of these movies? Was it the valuable lessons the players learned? Was it the way they were able to overcome their insecurities and, through teamwork and dedication, learn that they're all really winners? Heck no! It was the totally awesome trick plays that the kids used to fool the other team, making their over-confident opponents look like morons. These plays were totally outrageous and totally awesome, inspiring kids everywhere to try them out for themselves, with varying degrees of success. If, like me, you never doubted just how brilliant these trick plays were, then this article is for you. I'll break down, for your reading pleasure, some of the best trick plays in kids sports film history, analyzing them both for their levels of awesomeness and how realistically they could be pulled off in an actual game situation.
1) The Flying V
From: The Mighty Ducks
Awesome Factor: 6
The Mighty Ducks might be the definitive '90s kids' sports movie, and there is no more definitive moment from that film than when the ragtag group of misfits unleash their secret weapon: The Flying V. An unstoppable force, the Ducks skate towards the opposite goal in the shape of a V (like real ducks, get it?). They pass the puck back and forth between their legs, so that the other team has no idea where it is until it's too late. Led by Charlie Conway (Joshua Jackson, dreamy even then), the Flying V helped the Ducks defeat the Hawks and finally give coach Gordon Bombay closure after years of being tortured by memories of losing the big game when he played peewee hockey. And a good time was had by all.
Realism Factor: 4
Well, the Flying V works well in theory — wait, scratch that, the Flying V works horribly in theory. In a sport where strategy is based around spreading out around the ice, having every single player on your team skate down the middle of the rink in a big clump seems like a horrible idea. The Ducks realize the major flaw in this attack during the film's sequel, D2: The Mighty Ducks, when they try this play during the Junior Goodwill Games while representing Team USA. The physically dominant Iceland team simply stands in a line and waits for the Ducks to crash into them, at which point they steal the puck and skate towards the goalie at their leisure, because every single Duck is lying on the floor realizing how moronic the play they just attempted was. Fortunately, by this time they have developed an even more absurd trick play to help them conquer their Icelandic foes...
2) The Knuckle Puck
From: D2 The Mighty Ducks
Awesome Factor: 8
The Flying V was cool, but the Knuckle Puck was absolutely crazy. Created by a young gentleman from the Southern California ghetto (where they play hockey, apparently), this is a move that can only be performed by Kenan Thompson, and is completely unstoppable, sending goalies into seizures faster than Japanese cartoons. Fashioned after the knuckleball, a baseball pitch that few have mastered, the knuckle puck spins through the air, twisting and diving unpredictably until it's in the back of the net and the Icelandic goalie is in tears. Every kid who has ever seen this movie has no doubt tried to perform the knuckle puck.
Realism Factor: 1
But it never worked, and there's a very good reason for that. It's called the laws of physics. Yes, the idea that a scrappy group of lovable losers can defeat a more talented, more athletic, better trained team is a little unrealistic, but it's the stuff that childhood dreams are made of. The knuckle puck is the kids sports movie equivalent of Santa Claus and the Easter bunny having a baby that's a dragon. It's not just unrealistic, it's totally inconceivable. No hockey puck has ever traveled through the air like that, and it never will. It took me years of futile attempts and lots of therapy to come to terms with that fact, but I've finally accepted it.
3) The Annexation of Puerto Rico
From: Little Giants
Awesome Factor: 7
Little Giants is somewhere between The Mighty Ducks and Big Green in the pantheon of kids' sports movies, but nothing in those films comes close to being as outrageous as The Annexation of Puerto Rico, the play developed by Tad, a shrimpy kid but a genius when it comes to trick plays. By believing in themselves, all the kids who were cut from the town football team join forces, led by Rick Moranis and his thirst for revenge against his athletic brother, to kick the butts of the kids who are actually good at football. Everything comes down to the last play, the absurdly named The Annexation of Puerto Rico: studly team quarterback Junior Floyd (who is no Joshua Jackson, I should point out) takes the ball and puts it on the ground. Every player runs to the left, except for one offensive lineman, who grabs the ball and runs left. Amidst the chaos the other team has no idea where the ball is, allowing the Little Giants to score the game winning touchdown. As a result, the two teams are merged together to represent the town, at which point it's assumed that all the actually good players are given starting positions and the losers sit on the bench all season.
Realism Factor: 8
As far as trick plays go, this one puts everything else on this list to shame. Why? Because it's an actual play! Of course, it's not called The Annexation of Puerto Rico, but it's a play that has been used multiple times in high school and college football. Invented by John Heisman, the namesake of the Heisman Trophy, the Fumblerooski is a classic trick play, one that was once used in a College Football National Championship Game. Nebraska pulled off the Fumblerooski against Miami in 1986, and their right guard ran the ball 19 yards for a touchdown. The play was also attempted by Florida State in 1990, but they made the fatal mistake of not picking the ball up after putting it down. Auburn recovered the ball and ended up scoring a touchdown on the following drive, tying the game and proving that not every college football team is as talented as the Little Giants.
4) The Fake Wild Throw
From: Little Big League
Awesome Factor: 8
This trick play is even more incredible than the others on the list in one specific way: while the other plays are used to dupe untrained eight year-olds and people from Iceland (admittedly unimpressive achievements), young baseball genius and Twins Owner/Manager Billy Heywood uses his strategic prowess to trick actual professional athletes into looking like eight-year-olds from Iceland. That's right, Billy Heywood inherits the Minnesota Twins from his grandfather, names himself manager, and then pulls off one of the most ridiculous trick plays in baseball: the fake wild throw. Pitcher Jim Bowers stands on the mound, preparing to pitch, but instead tries to pick off the runner at first — Ken Griffey Jr., playing himself and making all of us wonder how much money this guy really needed — but the ball goes flying past first basemen Lou Collins and into right field. As the players scramble to find the past ball, Griffey smugly trots to second base, only to realize that Powers had the ball the whole time! He never threw it to first, and tosses it to the second baseman, who tags out Griffey, now even more humiliated than he was when he first signed up to do this movie in the first place.
Realism Factor: 3
As brilliant as this play is, there's only one small problem with it: it's completely illegal. According to MLB rules, if a pitcher is standing on the mound and does a pickoff move to first, he must actually throw the ball. Otherwise, it's a balk and Griffey would get to go to second base anyway. This is not even the worst offense of this film, which completely ignores the fact that 1) The owner of the Twins does not own the Metrodome 2) Owners are not allowed to manage their own teams, as this represents a conflict of interest and 3) Tripping on a ball and breaking your arm will not give you super-human baseball playing powers. Okay, so that's actually a reference to the movie Rookie of the Year, but I don't have any trick plays to mention about that movie, and I needed to get that in. Seriously, he breaks his arm and becomes a superstar pitcher? What kind of lesson is that to teach kids?
5) Any Play Involving a Dog Scoring a Basket
From: Air Bud
Awesome Factor: 5
Even when I was a kid, and believed some pretty ridiculous things, this film always struck me as just too much to handle. Young insecure Josh Framm finds Buddy, a dog who uses his nose to score baskets and, after Josh learns valuable lessons about bravery and loyalty and other crap that kids learn in these movies, he convinces his team's coach to put Buddy into the championship team, because they discover that there is no rule that says that dogs aren't allowed to play basketball. Thanks to Josh's newfound confidence and Buddy's Lebron James-like abilities, they win the game and everyone is happy.
Realistic Factor: -3
No! No freaking way! Not even a little bit! First, of course there's no rule that says that dogs can't play basketball. There's also nothing in the constitution that says that the president can't force every member of congress to moon the vice-president. Why? Because it's so ridiculous it's assumed nobody would ever try it (although I bet Barack Obama is tempted every day, just to see the look on Joe Biden's face). In addition, dogs are about two feet tall, which, the last time I checked, is significantly shorter than twelve-year-olds. Wouldn't the other team be able to block every shot that Buddy took? Plus, assuming that Buddy can score baskets (which is a Grand Canyon hurdling leap of faith on my part), he still can't catch, pass or dribble, and he has no concept of any of the rules of basketball. If the other team had had a dog whistle or even a piece of chicken, Buddy would have been rendered less effective than, well, I can't really think of a more apt analogy than a dog playing basketball. The only way this movie would have been more ridiculous is if Josh had given Buddy a hockey stick and Buddy had scored a basket Knuckle Puck style.