Selling Out
By Tom Macy
September 15, 2009
BoxOfficeProphets.com

Like us, Tom Cruise gives thumbs up to Tony Scott.
In the transitory phase between the season of the blockbuster and of the award there is always bit of a dead spot in the movie schedule that has been affectionately dubbed "the dumping ground". Labor Day weekend had Gamer and All About Steve, while this past weekend we had Whiteout, starring dumping ground veteran Kate Beckinsale, and generic slasher flick Sorority Row. I was going to write about 9, the closest thing to a recent release of some supposed substance. But when I realized that my thoughts could be summed up by saying it was a 79 minute film that's basically Fellowship of the Ring - Elijah Wood plays an unlikely hero that leads a group of 9 on a quest – except instead of various fictional races of fantasy they're all spawned from the Oogie Boogie man (the Nightmare Before Christmas villain made of fabric? You're all with me, right?), I figured I'd go another route.

So instead, on this given Sunday, I decided to turn to the small screen, which I felt was appropriate given the start of football season and its encouragement of sloth. But what about those who aren't sports fans? Shouldn't movie geeks be able waste hours on end staring at a box of light and sound too? Indeed. When it comes to movies, channel surfing on Sunday is off the hook (awkward white guy slang). It has an uncanny ability to provide a vast palate of films and moments over a short period that I've always found endlessly entertaining. So, I figured why not try an experiment and see what gems I can mine from this phenomenon? Again, this is a bit of an experiment, so bear with me. Without further ado, I give you a real-time, undoctored account of one full hour of Sunday channel surfing – only movies- in all its glory.

8:42 - Top Gun

Tom Cruise taking Kelly McGillis' breath away. We're off to a good start. What else we got?

8:44 - The Matrix Reloaded

Ah, nothing like revisiting a movie you pretended to like because you were too disappointed to admit it sucked. Neo and Trinity getting it on, despite that "awesome" rave happening on that sound stage –er- Zion. (Ironically, between Reeves and Cruise, Keanu is the one that has "problems".)

8:45 - 300

Of course. Gerard Bulter's pointy beard and computer-aided six-pack make him a star.

8:46 - Ghost Rider

I don't know. I'll keep it in the background in case I run into some commercial holes. Nicolas Cage is wearing sunglasses and everyone – except me - has a straight face. Only in the movies.

8:48 - King Arthur

Wow. I totally forgot about this one. If only Gerard Bulter had let Clive Owen in on the air-brushed six-pack trick. That movie could have been successful.

8:51 - Gangs of New York

I remember hating this when it came out. I wonder if I still will. Leonardo DiCaprio begins his journey back into the spotlight, gracefully passing Cameron Diaz as she goes the opposite direction. This was the start of two annoying patterns for Leo: Starring in every Scorsese film and playing roles that feature an accent and facial hair, neither of which he good at. I'll check back later in hopes of seeing Daniel Day-Lewis and his giant hat (sounds like a Roald Dahl book title)

8:55 - Catch Me if You Can

Nice! This is the other film, along with Gangs, that reenergized DiCaprio's career. My luck is better this time. Instead of a scene showcasing the agonizing lack of chemistry between Leo and Cameron, I stumbled in on Christopher Walken showing why the Academy got it right by nominating him for Best Supporting Actor that year. "Two mice fell into a bucket of cream" – I feel like Christopher Walken quotes should be accompanied by sheet music.

8:58 - Commericals

Time to reflect on what I've got going here. Seven movies. I need to make sure all the watchable parts get watched (this is hard to do while writing). All seem to be in commercials now. Let's think. Gotta make sure we catch Neo fight a million digital Hugo Weavings. Sadly, some of these digital guys are pretty comprabale to Reeves in terms of performance (acting, not the other thing). Oh Keanu, what did sardonic movie commentators do before you?

9:02 - Still commercials

TV spot for Love Happens. Crap Happens, too.

9:03 - 300

Finally! No commercials!!! No Prisoners!!!! No Mercy!!! I think I'm the first person to start a quote beginning with Anchorman and ending with 300. I'm remembering why I couldn't stand this movie. Speed the freaking film up, Zack Snyder!!! It's been done to death in a movie I'll be watching as of riiiiiiight now.

9:05 - The Matrix Reloaded

Okay, Neo's in the Matrix, good. Aw crap, it's that pointless fight with the tiny Asian dude who isn't Jet Li. Next.

9:06 - Top Gun

Arrrrgh! I missed the Goose crash! Now they're in that green water. Don't be sad, Tom Cruise, he has ER just around the corner. Geez, could this movie be anymore homoerotic? I know that observation is a bit of a dead horse, but seriously. Why, in the very next scene when he talks to Tom Skerritt, in Navy whites that are just a little too snug, is Tom Cruise wearing only his briefs? Oh man, my best friend is dead. I just can't deal with clothes! I wonder if Daniel Day-Lewis is doing something.

9:09 - Gangs of New York

Strike two! Diaz and DiCaprio again. No, thank you. One time I literally watched this movie skipping everything but Day-Lewis' scenes. Cinematic gold. Since I've never actually seen Ghost Rider, I don't know what to expect. Nervous.

9:10 - Ghost Rider

Hitting on Eva Mendes while riding a motorcycle. Boring. Ooh, it should be time for Neo vs the Smiths! [Insert joke about Keanu Reeves beating up the band The Smiths]

9:12 - The Matrix Reloaded

Just about to start. But I think I have time to check and see if King Arthur has anything in it worth remembering that I forgot about. Doubtful.

9:13 - King Arthur

No sword fighting. Lame. Oh, wait. Clive Owen and Keira Knightley are about to have awkward he-could-be-her-dad-sex. I wonder if Jerry Bruckheimer got a fruit basket from Clive after this. Ahhh Matrix fight!

9:15 - The Matrix Reloaded

Just in time. Let the preposterousness begin. I'll be dark for about 10-15.

9:23 - The Matrix Reloaded

Or maybe eight. Could that have been anymore ridiculous? I swear, I know it's been said but why the heck didn't he just go, "Um... I can fly and you can't, soooo peace." Man, I want to live in the Matrix. Any place where people spontaneously turn into Hugo Weaving is a place I want to be. Last thought on the burly brawl, as it's called, bowling pin sound effect? What? Third time's the charm for DDL?

9:27 - Gangs of New York

Are you freaking kidding me!??!?!?! Leo. Diaz. Bad accents. Bad acting! Not even Brendan Gleeson or John C. Reilly? Ugh. Just another awkward sex scene. You know what? I gotta say, Tom Cruise has the best one of the night so far. I'm just saying.

9:29 - Gangs of New York

Oh snap! DDL and the speech by the bed with the American Flag draped over his shoulders. Must watch.

9:35 - Gangs of New York

Now that's how you act with an accent and facial hair.

9:36 - Top Gun

The finale. Take it away, synthesizer. These flight scenes are actually really strong. It's so nice to see action sequences pre-CGI that don't seem dated. Speaking of CGI, I wonder if Nicolas Cage's head is replaced with a fake-looking flaming skull, because I'd watch that.

9:39 - Ghost Rider

Nuts. Looks like I just missed it. But Sam Elliott's mustache is a nice consolation. Only three minutes left in the hour. Time for one last check in with the other irons on the fire.

9:40 - Catch Me if You Can

Heeeeey, check out cute little Amy Adams. I totally forgot she was in this movie. Random side note: I did a day of background work for Catch Me if You Can. I'm not in the movie, but the back of my head is on a DVD special feature.

9:41 - 300

Androgynous villain, no thanks. My buddy Maverick might be interested, though.

9:42 - King Arthur

Time's up! Just in time for the finale of King Arthur. Something I never thought I'd see again. And probably will regret. At least I'll get to see that ZZ Top bad guy get Owen-ated.

Final verdict: three uncomfortable sex scenes, two medieval battles, two (worthy) Oscar nominated performances, Tom Cruise in his underwear, fighting by air and by metal pipe, Nicolas Cage thinking he's cool. Football on Sunday? Who needs it?