Selling Out
By Tom Macy
August 11, 2009
BoxOfficeProphets.com

It's a license to print money. Really!
Up until 2007, the children of the '80s were a criminally under-serviced box office demographic. Sure, they were satisfied by the Spider-Men and Viggo Mortensens offered up to appease them. But it wasn't until Michael Bay came along with a spigot in the form of a truck that turned into a robot that their real money-spewing potential was tapped. By stimulating memoires of Saturday mornings plopped in front of the TV, a geyser of Paul Thomas Anderson proportions exploded upwards. But instead of oil, it was cash. Reportedly, Bay actually would've preferred oil, a lot easier than CGI-ing fuel for all those tanks and helicopters.

Transformers revealed that 1980s cartoons could turn out to be a source of one the most coveted substances in all the Box Office Land, the built-in audience. This on its own is nothing rare. Nicholas Sparks has a freaking built-in audience. But what was so remarkable with Transformers was the size. It was Harry Potter, Stars Wars, and Spider-Man big. And whereas those films are their own self-contained franchises, able to churn out a film every two to four years, each one of these cartoons could potentially all have multiple sequel franchises of their own. They're easily adaptable, and the episodic format is designed to go from one to the next, not unlike a comic book. Therefore, they don't run out of story, like say Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings. There also isn't any real strict mythology that surrounds them, either, giving studios a lot of leash when throwing a plot together. You don't have to worry about crazed fanboys having conniptions over Megatron's paint job.

So basically, they're the ideal template for a film franchise. As long as people are shelling out cash they'll keep getting made. I can only imagine the studio executive who discovered this, out on his balcony overlooking the Hollywood Hills, dressed up in his Darth Vader costume, as he says, "Think of it, a whole army of franchises that people don't care are driven by special effects rather than characters! Not even Pixar would be able to stop us!" He raises a clenched fist. Cue Imperial March.

This theory is all well and good, but up until recently, Transformers was the only show to be adapted, albeit to astronomical success. This past weekend was the real test to see if the Saturday mornings of the '80s are a goldmine.

Marketing for G.I. Joe was shameful but - I'm sorry - brilliant. By handpicking trash-friendly reviewers to create a turn-your-brain-off-and-go-along-for-the-ride buzz, they were able to cover up the stench of the rotting Vampire corpse left over from director Stephen Sommers' previously embarrassing effort Van Helsing. This plan seemed to work, even I was tricked into thinking I might actually enjoy myself by a review that said it had fun, inventive action sequences. Of course, it was just another warmongering, pro-military destruction show, which is kind of a disturbing trend that's developing in films of this ilk. I did, however, find it interesting that despite taking place in the near future, since the Pyramids are still intact you must infer that the "Devastator-ing" events of Transformers 2 have not yet taken place. This also begs the question: Where the hell were the Joes with all their crazy gadgets when Megatron and his baddies started tearing them up? G.I. Joe and the Autobots? Now that's what I call a movie. I think Jerry Bruckhiemer's ears just perked up.

G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Joseph Gordon-Levitt may not have broken out to the tune of Optimus Prime, but the fact that its opening weekend was around $54 million despite being completely inept suggests that there's really something to this thing. Its success should certainly give a boost to He-Man (Dolph Lungren is turning in his grave... oh wait, he's still alive) and Thundercats, both already in development. It also means that a G.I. Joe sequel, barring an unheard of disaster in Rise of the Cobra's second weekend, is almost certainly on the precipice of being greenlighted. The movie was basically exposition with explosions anyway. So this craze shows no signs of slowing down.

Now you might think this saddens me. True, I revile these films and their poor construction and shameless, exploitative ways in order to make a quick buck. But I have a guilty reason for hoping these cartoon-to CGI party movies keep getting made. Because if enough '80s shows get snapped up to be on the big scree,n eventually they're going to get to one of my all time faves.
Dino Riders.

Is it just me? Do people remember this show? It was on for a very short time - 14 episodes - in 1988 as part of the Marvel Action Universe TV block that included Robo Cop, Spider-Man and, briefly, the X-Men. Dino-Riders was basically a launching pad for a Tyco toy line. A totally freaking awesome toy line. To this day I am insanely jealous of my cousin for getting the big brontosaurs for Christmas one year.

Seriously, this movie is a can't miss. Here's the pitch in three words. Dinosaurs with guns. Or if you want it in four, Jurassic Park meets Transformers. Come on! Steven Spielberg could produce (which would work twofold because then I could write my "What happened to Steven Spielberg" article upon the film's release).

The plot, which as I've already discussed has no bearing on what ends up in the actual film, follows the Valorians, telepathic long-haired Aryans (okay, there may have been one black guy), whose home world the was conquered by the Rulons, humanoid beings with shark-bug-lizard-like heads. A group of Valorian survivors escape via time travel to prehistoric Earth. A portion of the Rulon army followed them back in time. Once they realized they had all became trapped there, the Rulons enslave the dinosaurs with things called brain boxes that also somehow turn the Dinos' eyes red. They then use them in battle against the Valorians. The peaceful Valorians, by way of their telepathy, tame some of dinosaurs for domestic use. Oh, and ass-kicking!!!

You've got Dinosaurs, lasers, giant metal contraptions, time travel, space battles and the Valorians' powers that are basically the force. Box. Office. Gold. Now, you could point to Dragon Wars, a South Korean crap fest –reportedly, as I have not seen it - and say this has been done. It has some dragons with weapons on them or something like that. But even with no marketing and a September release, Dragon Wars made $75 million worldwide against a budget of $32 million. If anything I'd call that incentive to make Dino-Riders.

Sure, it would be expensive, but once again I remind you that it's dinosaurs with guns! So you can be darned sure I'm showing up for anything '80s in the near future. My Little Pony vs. Care Bears? Bring it on. And if things go really well, maybe eventually they'll start mining the '90s cartoons. Look out; here comes Captain Planet starring Al Gore.

This summer, Al Gore is gonna take pollution down to zero.