Take Five
By George Rose
July 14, 2009
BoxOfficeProphets.com
In the meantime, I have been busy reuniting with the many long lost family members that reside here on the island of Chios, many of whom have been more than accommodating and have done everything in their power to take good care of me. The only thing the people love to do more than eat is feed the foreigner. It's funny how my distant aunts and uncles fight over who can do more to serve me. This is a life I could get very, very used to.
My refrigerator is filled with leftovers and meals prepared solely for me. I'm usually not even home half of the time when they bring it over; I'm either sitting on the sand, drinking beer at my uncle's beach bar or stuck in the middle of a long conversation I can barely understand. I probably shouldn't have looked in the back of my Greek 101 textbook in college to find the answers. I might know how to say more than "I don't understand" and "I speak very little Greek". At least my pronunciation is on par. Note to foreign language textbook producers: do not include the answers in the back of the book. If you give college students the chance to cheat, we will. We'd rather be drinking and going on dates. Or sleeping.
My favorite part of being here is not the scenery, or even the food, but rather the common phrases that are not found in America. Sure, we have sayings of our own, but with different cultures come new ways of expressing common ideas. Here are some I have found particularly entertaining:
For those of you who have ever spent a long night drinking, you may have realized that once you go to the bathroom for the first time, you cannot stop. You either don't go all night or you go every 20 minutes after the first time you make the mistake of visiting a restroom. In America, we call this "breaking the seal." You know the feeling, it's like the Hoover Dam has been shattered and nothing can stop the water from flowing out at full force. You either leave the dam in tact or you accept that it will flow for the next few hours. They do not understand this concept in Greece. What they do understand is the need to give such an inappropriate topic a cute phrase to cover it up. Here, they say "I have to pay the bill." It doesn't mean the dam broke, but it's a polite yet funny way to convey that you have to use the bathroom. It is only said while drinking. If you say it at dinner with your grandmother, she will give you an odd glare and pile more food onto your plate. I guess I could get a worse reaction.
Since many of my adventures thus far have been under the influence of beer, the phrases I learn usually have something to do with drinking or were discovered while drinking. On my third night in Chios, I went to a birthday party that my cousin invited me to. The girl the party was thrown for was smitten with me, since I am foreign but still of Greek descent. I guess she thinks she's a rebel for going after the foreigner but still respectful because I'm Greek. I could both disappoint and please her parents at the same time. A real win-win situation for a Greek girl. I was drunk and trying to make the crowd love me, so being the quiet wallflower was not an option. Instead, I danced my little heart out and pretended to have fallen in love with the birthday girl. She fell for the bait. At one point, I even took a straw, cut it in half and tied it into a ring, which I then gave to her while on bended knee. She accepted my drunken proposal. Greek woman consider themselves "good girls", until the idea of marriage is put on the table. After she accepted, it was immediately a concern of hers that I was a fertile young man with a healthy sex drive. Little does she know I play for the "other team". To distract her from any suspicion, I made all sorts of promises to "please her" no less than ten times a day, the equivalent to how many children I demanded she produce for me in our near future. Then came the funny Greek saying: "if you are promised lots of cherries, carry a small basket". This implies that no matter how many grand promises someone throws your way, carry a small basket of trust so as not to get your hopes up and be disappointed. I'm not sure what the similar saying in America is (maybe something more simple like "don't believe everything you hear" or "drunk men exaggerate"), but I still found the phrase worthy of a mention. Someone should let her know not to carry a basket around me at all.
Since everyone here knows a little bit of English, they hope you know at least the same amount of Greek. If you don't know Greek, you should try hard to learn it since they are eager to teach it. I have never been good with languages and barely made it through both my Spanish and Greek courses, so teaching me new words has become a game for these people. Since I usually have a beer in my hand while they do this, my retention rate has been extremely low. One that any foreigner must know when coming to Greek is "yamas" (not sure how it's spelled but that's how it sounds). This means something along the lines of "to health". Our American equivalent would be "cheers!" If you ever don't understand the Greek they are speaking or their choppy version of English, raise your glass and yell "YAMAS!" The conversation will stop and everyone will go back to drinking. This has become my way out of many failed attempts at repeating words taught days earlier.
The last example I will offer you today is also the most controversial, and therefore the one I am most eager to reveal. It is common for Americans to refer to Greeks as "boy lovers." We have all heard this saying and if you haven't, go watch the movie 300. Even they make a brief reference to this notion. Don't worry, I won't get too graphic here. If you're really that worried, than guess what: you're of the minority now. Most people don't care anymore about gays and you should be ashamed of yourselves if you do. We don't bite! We have better things to worry about than making straight people uncomfortable and "breeders" (as we sometimes say) should have better things to do than hate-crime us into therapy. Anyway, for those of you who know anything about homosexuality (c'mon people, this is 2009, get over your ancient ways), you probably know there are two types of gay men: tops (pitchers) and bottoms (catchers). In Greece, they refer to them as "energetico" (top) and "pathetico" (bottom). They aren't the most affectionate way of referring to these types of people but they also aren't the most offensive. Although, patheticos really do get the shorter end of that... um... stick, don't they? Calling someone pathetic, gay or straight, isn't usually taken well. However, they are both, in my opinion, quite hilarious. Aren't cultural differences fun?!
There are still lots of sights to see, people to meet, food to consume and drinks to be had, so let me get on with this issue of Take Five. As I mentioned in the last article, I am changing things up. While in Greece, I am not "recommending" five movies that I have previously seen. Instead, I will be watching five movies I have never seen (but have heard of on some level) and will briefly let you know what I think of them. I finally have the time to "take five" minutes and watch a bunch of movies, so I'm bringing you along for the ride. Each article (including the intro) will be a bit longer, since it has gone from a weekly to bi-weekly release while I explore the many beaches of Chios! YAMAS, and enjoy!
High Fidelity (2000) – watched/written on July 9, 2009
"What came first: the music or the misery?"
This is one of the many questions asked by Rob Gordon (John Cusack), a record store owner who is relationship-challenged. After a recent breakup with his girlfriend Laura (Iben Hjejle), he recounts his "Top Five" biggest heartbreaks. This is a common theme that is seen throughout the movie, as Rob and his employees (one of whom is Jack Black) do many "Top Five" rankings throughout. Top Five Albums, Top Five Songs, Top Five Songs About Death, Top Five Love Songs, etc. At one point, when reflecting on his incurable misery, Rob even does a Top Five Dream Jobs. Number five is record store owner. It's rather symbolic considering his current number five heartbreak is the girl he's chasing after.
He moves through the list twice. The first time we are introduced to his loves: Alison, his seventh grade first kiss; Penny, his sweet 16 love; Charlie (Catherine Zeta Jones), his two-year college relationship; Sarah (Lily Taylor), the rebound used to "pull collective lonely"; and then Laura, the current dilemma. After going over these loves, he recites the list again to see where he went wrong and what he can learn from them. All of this is very entertaining and made all the more enjoyable with an amazing soundtrack. Would you expect anything less from a movie about a record store owner?
Most of the movie kept me hooked, since I'm a fan of relationship stories. A story about several relationships was bound to keep me occupied. However, the film starts to drag a bit towards the last third of the film. One character, a musician named Marie de Salle (Lisa Bonet), should have been cut from the film altogether. The character fit the story but showed a side of Rob that I really couldn't tolerate. Of all the questionable thoughts and confusion running through Rob's head, his interaction with Marie made me dislike his character. Let me elaborate, without giving away too many spoilers: Rob asks Laura is she has slept with this other guy, Ian (Tim Robbins), she says "not yet", so he goes and sleeps with Marie. Why on Earth would a man think that he will get the woman he loves back if he sleeps with some random hippie? At this point, I stopped rooting for Rob and prayed to God that Laura would come to her senses and find herself another half decent man. The film quickly rebounds but at that point I was a little upset. Maybe my own past got in the way of my objective enjoyment but, hey, criticizing movies isn't a perfect science. It's personal!
In any case, the film was very good. The soundtrack is one I will download (ummm, I mean "purchase"), the cast is great, the directing (by Stephen Frears, who was nominated for Best Directing Oscars for both The Grifters and The Queen) was well paced, and the story was very educational. You can learn a lot from this movie about relationships. And don't get me wrong when I say this is a movie about relationships starring John Cusack. This is not to be confused with his sappy romantic comedies. This is a movie for men and women alike, but more for adults than youngsters looking for a live-action Disney fairy tale. If you want to get someone you don't care too much about into bed, go watch something with Julia Roberts. If you want to watch a realistic love story with someone you actually care about that has half a brain and understands the true complications of love, watch High Fidelity.
Overall Rating: B+
Stephen King's Pet Sematary (1989) – watched/written on July 10, 2009
I've come to expect a lot out of anything with the Stephen King tagline positioned before the title. Why shouldn't I? The man is considered a genius and has sold more books than I could ever dream of selling as a writer. The problem with expectations is that sometimes you set the bar higher than it belongs. Since Pet Sematary is one of his many classic tales, I allowed the bar to stay rather high.
The first half hour of Pet Sematary is utterly boring. It is the slowest development I have seen in a long time for a scary movie. The Creed family moves into a new house, meets an elderly neighbor, discovers a path behind their house that goes to a pet cemetery (the sign above spells the burial ground as Sematary), and some "freaky" things happen. Thanks to torture porn like Saw and Hostel, recent generations of children have become numb to the type of fright that older generations find truly horrific. A ghost with his head smashed in, a pile of sticks that glows bright blue and a housemaid hanging herself are things that would only make me flinch in real life.
I found myself truly bored at one point, looked at the clock and realized I was only 30 minutes into the film. Do I really have to watch the next hour and ten minutes? Only because it is my job to review this film do I force myself to do it. I start to wonder where the legion of dead animals are but quickly realize this movie has nothing to do with an army of zombie cats and dogs. You might say I'm giving away some spoilers, but I think I'm doing you a favor by revealing the stupidity of this film.
There is only one resurrected animal in the film, and it belongs to a child actress that annoys me to tears. While the film was released in 1989, I still think Dakota Fanning as a fetus would have been cast more appropriately as this whinny little girl. There are a few random dream sequences that are meant to scare but usually just confuse. The movie is more about the ideas of death and less about actually resurrecting creatures for the amusement of my horror-bone. I look at the clock, notice I am only an hour into the movie, and pray to God the book is better. How is this a classic?
Pet Sematary only picks up pace at around an hour and 15 minutes. At this point, I had given the movie a solid D- but start getting the notion they are going to resurrect a human. Mind you, this is done about half a mile away from the cemetery at an Indian burial ground. Who came up with this misleading title? I tell myself that if I see a human zombie, I will reward the Gods by giving the film a still-disappointing C-. I'm only that generous so that the bribe might work. Surprisingly, I am rewarded but the results are mildly scary at best. The only frightening part comes with the zombie human (I won't reveal which one, just in case you don't heed my warning to avoid this movie) and that only lasts about five minutes. Then it goes right back to being plain silly. This zombie should not be able to do 80% of the things it does. I consider hanging myself like the housekeeper. Now I understand why she did it.
The ending itself is truly ridiculous. A second zombie human arrives and leaves the film open-ended. Of course, why wouldn't that be the case? And where are all the pets?! They can't even kill this movie with a decent ending. The biggest question of the film comes from that whinny little girl, who happens to have dreams of all these events just before they happen. Now THAT could have been a good movie. Why doesn't Stephen King care more about this little girl with miraculous powers of seeing the future? Why, God, why?! No, instead they slap the title "Pet Sematary" onto a product that barely shows any of true horror we've come to expect from the King of Fear. Sorry Stephen, but like you say in the tagline, "some things are better left dead."
Overall Rating: D+
The Reader (2008) – watched/written on July 11, 2009
Today I didn't watch one of the DVDs I brought to Greece because I was invited to go see The Reader at the only cinema on the island, an outdoor theater in a garden in the main city of Chios. Movies here are released many months after those in the United States, so while I missed The Reader this past winter in the US, I was still aware of its premise, yet had forgotten about it by the time I saw it today. As a critic, you're meant to review movies as objectively as possible, removing any semblance of your personal emotions prior and during the film. This was too difficult for me.
As I mentioned earlier in this article, I went to the birthday party of an older woman who I proposed to in a drunken stupor. This was the person I saw The Reader with. Mind you, she is 30 years old and I am 23. Also, I am not into the female gender. Since Greeks aren't big fans of the gays (despite the rest of the world referring to them as "boy lovers"), I have decided not to tell her. I'm not closeted at all, in the States anyway, but for the sake of her feelings this fact has gone unrevealed.
Try watching a movie about a 33 year old German woman having an affair with a 15 year old boy, when you yourself are a younger man with a cougar by your side. It's really hard to take objective notes on the filmmaking when this woman, who has no idea I prefer the beefy ticket salesman, is rubbing the skin off the inner-thigh under my shorts because she is so excited by the sex scenes between Kate Winslet and her younger male costar. I could barely eat my popcorn.
In any case, the movie was not at all what I expected. The movie starts with this affair and, from what I thought I knew about the film from the Oscar press releases, was all I would be privy to during its two hour duration. Naturally, I am wrong. The woman, Hannah, leaves the boy without warning because the job she has promoted to her to a higher position, for her stellar work ethic. However, she cannot read. Any normal person would decline the position or simply learn how to... you know... read a book. Instead, what makes sense to her is to join the Nazi cause and become a concentration camp guard. I guess gay Americans can't relate to German illiterates.
The boy grows up, becomes a law student and BY COMPLETE CHANCE his class is invited to witness the court hearings of six women accused of murdering Jews. Naturally, one of these women is Hannah. After the plot took this unexpected turn, and for some reason Greek cinema finds it necessary to have a five minute intermission after only an hour of a movie, I hoped it would be over soon but knew it would not be. Plus, my thigh was starting to hurt from all the leg rubbing the cougar had put me through. I should have bought her some popcorn too. If only I were more of a gentlemen.
Then, after Hannah is sentenced, the credits roll. Just kidding, but the nudity sure does stop around this point so I'm hoping the credits are on their way. Not because the movie isn't good, but because now my cougar is bored without the nudity and is nearly assaulting me in front of the entire audience. This is no joke, since standard movie etiquette does not apply here. You can smoke cigarettes, buy booze at the concession stand and ravage your movie-going partner all you like. Anyway, there are more parts about Hannah in prison and more about her young lover's life after he watches his one-time-affair take the fall for murders she really wasn't entirely for. It's very dramatic and, to be quite honest, all very heartfelt. But then some things happen, which I will not reveal because they really are quite shocking, which left me disappointed in the way these characters developed. In any case, I thank God I don't have an oppressed German mindset.
The movie ends a few moments later, but not until after they throw in an unnecessary scene with one of the children of a German camp victim that Hannah helped to terminate. I understand not all movies have happy endings, but if mistakes are made people should learn from them, even if they don't end the movie with a fairy tale romance. Everyone in this movie is bitter and jaded, and it left me in such a funk I couldn't even go to the bars later that night with a smile on my face. There are, however, two reasons this movie should be watched. 1) The acting is superb. Everyone is believable, even if what they're doing makes me want to rip my hair out. 2) Kate Winslet. She deserved the Academy Award she received and more than deserves the title as "most acclaimed" of the recent crop of actresses. I could watch her watching paint dry for two hours. I wouldn't even mind if she was naked, much like she was for the first third of The Reader. The woman is brilliant. If only she were my naïve cougar.
Overall Rating: B+
Interview with the Vampire (1994) – watched/written on July 12, 2009
I didn't leave the house today since I am nursing another bad hangover and wanted to avoid seeing the cougar, for fear she might want me to take things to the next level. I'm afraid she still has The Reader on her mind and will expect our "affair" to advance as quickly as Kate Winslet's. Instead of going out, I read David Sedaris' Me Talk Pretty One Day and watched Interview with the Vampire. One thing I desperately miss about America is my HBO subscription and, more importantly, the ability to watch True Blood on Sunday nights. In honor of my bloodlust for vampires, I found this movie to be the most suitable replacement.
I went into the film with two expectations. 1) The movie would be about vampires. 2) I have heard the movie is pretty slow. Both are true. We start the story with Louis the vampire (Brad Pitt) being interviewed by Daniel the mortal (Christian Slater). He recounts his early days, 200 years prior to modern day, as a 24-year-old human who just lost his wife and child. While he claims he no longer fears death, Lestat (Tom Cruise) decides to put this notion to the test. He brings Louis to near death and offers him a choice: die now or live forever. Would there be a film if he chose anything but everlasting life?
Since Louis is a good man, he struggles with the notion of taking the lives of others for his own survival and instead opts to drink animal blood. Lestat enjoys his life as a human bloodsucker and attempts teaching Louis the ways of the vampire, while always keeping full knowledge just out of his reach so as to maintain his position as the leader of their pack. To help keep Louis under control, he converts a young girl, Claudia (Kirsten Dunst), and makes her their "daughter." This gives Louis a newfound purpose but, as you know, children have little control over themselves and she quickly becomes the killer Lestat always wished Louis would be.
However, even Claudia has her limits. After many decades, she learns she will never grow up and become like so many of the full grown women she envies. Together, Louis and Claudia kill Lestat (it takes them two attempts) and they are on their way to venture around the world. They soon discover a band of vampires in Europe and learn that not even their own evils compare to this group of ancient creatures. Their leader, Armand (Antonio Banderas), wishes to take Louis under his wing but the new relationship puts a severe strain on the one already existing with Claudia.
After a series of shocking turns, Louis rids himself of their presence and returns to the now evolving New World in America. Just when you think the movie is wrapping up, Lestat returns for one final encounter. This encounter is only relevant because it contradicts itself so drastically. One minute Lestat has no idea that the lights of a helicopter can't harm him and the next he has mastered the ability to drive a car and use the radio. All I know is that when I was growing up, I learned light bulbs didn't have the same effect as the sun long before I knew how to drive a car. How he does this in reverse is beyond me.
In any case, the movie was entertaining, despite its slow pace and, at times, less than stellar acting. Tom Cruise never rises above someone doing a caricature of a vampire while Brad Pitt takes about half an hour to feel comfortable in his role. I'm surprised Cruise got top billing since it is Pitt that dominates the show and is in much more of the movie. However, much to my surprise, the most redeeming presence is Kirsten Dunst. I have never enjoyed her so much. She bothered me deeply in Spider-Man, but I looked forward to every scene she was in while playing Claudia. Maybe all her creative energy was used up here. Nonetheless, she is wonderful and better than any of the acting vets surrounding her. The movie isn't as good as True Blood but it definitely satisfied my craving for the undead.
Overall Rating: B-
Mallrats (1995) – also watched/written on July 12, 2009
Seriously, I'm in a foreign country and have decided to spend this gorgeous day inside watching two movies and writing about them. It is my absolute goal to not bump into this cougar of mine on the beach, since I know she has the day off from work and is likely searching for me. I've already ignored two of her calls. I can return to working on my tan and drinking like a fish in the morning, and will have all week to venture out without fear of being attacked by her boy-hungry lips. I'd rather bump into Jaws at this point.
The second movie of the day was Mallrats. I have seen Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back many times and am a fan of the duo but never got around to watching Mallrats because it was my impression they were merely cameos. I was pleasantly surprised to see they have much larger roles and that the movie, despite my fear that it would suck due to Shannen Doherty's presence, is actually rather funny. It's not Kevin Smith's best work but it explains why the director has been given additional opportunities to explore his creativity.
Mallrats follows two couples after recent breakups: TS (Jeremy London) and Brandi (Claire Forlani), and Brodie (Jason Lee) and Rene (Doherty). Brandi's father runs an uninspired dating television show called "Truth or Date", which is expecting to tape a show live at the local mall. After the female contestant is told by TS that the television cameras add weight, she gets her insecure butt into a pool and eventually dies from the overly strenuous exercise. This is a comedy, right? It's all for the sake of the setup, because now Brandi must fill the role of the contestant on her father's show, a man that is eager to see his daughter find a boyfriend other than TS.
TS's best friend, Brodie, is in a similar situation, even though he had no part in someone's death. Instead, he is just a lazy comic book nerd who cannot please Rene. This man-boy thinks comics, Sega and farting during fellatio are enough to win her over, but Rene begs to differ. She immediately begins dating a 33-year-old clothing store manager named Shannon (Ben Affleck), who has recently slept with a 15-year-old girl. All their relationships are this sort of random and outrageous, but all tied together with funny misadventures starring... you guess it... Jay and Silent Bob, the most rewarding part of the film.
All of these connections are explained and complained about in a style that would make Kevin Williamson (Dawson's Creek, the Scream trilogy, etc.) proud, but if it weren't for the many irrelevant, hilarious sketches dropped between these "plot points", I'm not so sure it'd be worth following. A man who can't see "the secret picture", a nudist fortune teller with three nipples, Silent Bob's attempts at Jedi mind tricks, the assault of the Easter Bunny and failed attempts at destroying the "Truth or Date" stage are just a few of the gags, all of which help to make the movie worth the time it takes to reach its conclusion. Naturally, the film ends with the dating show, where TS and Brodie are now contestants.
Aside from Jay and Silent Bob, there is one crucial part to the film that will make any comic book geek go crazy: Stan Lee. He makes a cameo in the film unlike any other. He isn't the mailman, like in The Fantastic Four, or a poisoned consumer, like in The Incredible Hulk. He is Stan Lee as Stan Lee, the leader of all things comic book. He has a rather lengthy scene where he discusses his personal connection to his created mutant characters that was both funny and heartbreaking. In his monologue, he talks about how he only got into creating these characters to express the emotions he felt after losing the love of his life, someone he would gladly trade his fame and fortune to see just once more. For a moment it made me want to call my ex-bartender-love (the one I mentioned in the last Take Five's "Five Degrees of George Rose") right now on the phone and fly back to America for a romantic reunion. But movies and monologues are the fabrication of Hollywood, and this is reality. Either way, Stan Lee is amazing and I would kill a Delta Airlines flight attendant for the chance to fly to Marvel Studios and meet him. Or maybe I'll just beg my aunt for another Buddy Pass. I guess Mallrats will have to do for now.
Overall Rating: B
*If you have read up to this point, thank you for taking to time to follow my adventure and rather lengthy article. See you all again in two weeks, as Take Five: My Big Fat Greek Extended Edition continues on July 28, 2009! For those of you who are unaware, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince comes out this week SO GO SEE IT! It breaks my heart that I will not be able to, although I hear the "blockbuster" Wolverine is coming soon to the theater near me. God save us all.