Big Brother 11, The Premiere
By Eric Hughes
July 11, 2009
BoxOfficeProphets.com
And honestly, don't be bashful about it, because I ain't going over it again. If you can't remember what the Chopping Block is, then you've got some homework to read up on!
Now, let's get to the HouseGuests. At the top of the episode, 12 of ‘em entered the house. Here's a short bio for each:
Braden (28) – A surfer from my neck of the woods, Santa Monica, CA. I haven't seen every edition of the show, so this isn't substantiated. But... Braden just may be the most brainless contestant that the show has ever had. During introductions, his icebreaker was the following: "I'm Braden... like a braid in your hair."
Casey (41) – Teacher by day, DJ by night. And a complete goofball. Resides in St. Petersburg, FL.
Chima (32) – A freelance journalist from West Hollywood, CA. Makes the cardinal sin of laughing at her own jokes.
Jeff (31) – An advertising salesman from Norridge, IL. Not much to say about him, though two of the women already find him dreamier than McDreamy.
Jordan (22) – A waitress from Matthews, NC. She's got an accent, and she lays it on thiiiiiick.
Kevin (29) – A Graphic designer from Chula Vista, CA. Every reality show's got one, so it has to be said. Kevin's the token, completely hysterical gay guy.
Laura (21) – A bikini model from Atlanta, GA.
Lydia (24) – A special effects make up artist from Torrance, CA.
Michele (27) – A neuroscientist from Pasadena, CA. So smart she even had the foresight not to admit how smart she is – by withholding her Ph.D. – to the rest of the house for the sake of not appearing as a threat. And that's why she's a neuroscientist and you're not.
Natalie (24) – A Tae Kwon Do champion from Gilbert, AZ. She's 24, but lied to the house on the first night by telling everyone she's just 18. She figured that playing herself off as a teen would enable her to appear more naïve than she actually is. This backfired when Kevin called her bluff. This is why Natalie doesn't have her Ph.D.
Ronnie (30) – A Big Brother nerd from Belpre, OH. According to his bio, he's able to recite the eviction order of every HouseGuest in the show's history. He also plays video games six hours a day. This dude's also married?
Russell (24) – Just may be the most intimidating real estate broker you'll ever run into. He's buff like anything, but sits behind a desk all day talking about acres and loans. He lives in Walnut Creek, CA.
"Come on baby let's do the twist"
Last summer's "big twist" was that there was no twist. It was an easy, back-to-basics edition of Big Brother. There were no twins switching in and out of the game or estranged family members reconnecting in the house.
This season, the producers kicked this simplicity out of their systems by inventing a new twist that, depending on how it runs its course, could lead to some interesting game play. (Not to mention some spankin' new BB lingo). This year, the reality show heads back to school by separating its 12 contestants into four cliques: athletes, offbeats, popular and brains. (HouseGuests in the same group are hereby known as, shamefully, Cliquemates).
Cringe.
What didn't make a lick of sense was the confusion amongst members of the house in figuring out what clique they belonged to. People like Casey. Seriously, Casey? You teach fifth graders during the day before DJing your ass off in the nighttime. Clearly you're an offbeat.
But I don't want the ugly room
Contestants entered the house four at a time and, as per usual, scoped out what rooms they wished to sleep in for as long as they're playing the game. Braden, who Casey dubbed "real surfer dude-y", stole one glance at a posh-looking room and exclaimed, "wow, this place is delicious."
Again, he's the dumb one. Had I been in the game I would have given him the stare down for the rest of the evening.
No one wanted to claim the bathroom-themed bedroom. And I don't blame them. At no time do I want to go to sleep feeling like I'm nestled comfortably in a toilet. Everything is tiled. There's tile everywhere. And the beds are those floating devices you lay on in the pool. Who wants to sleep on that shit? It's fussy and has to be blown up every night. I guarantee any players sleeping on those things aren't getting any nookie.
Lydia complained: "It just felt like we got the shaft." Hell yeah you got the shaft! You tossed away everything you were doing earlier this year to star on a CBS reality show. And the producers don't even have the decency to get you a mattress to rest your weary head? What gives?
"I'd like to get to know you (yes I would)"
Next up were introductions. Like in past seasons, the 12 HouseGuests scrunched uncomfortably around a circular arrangement of sofas and uncorked some champagne for an intense bonding session.
This is the part of the game where Michele lied about her age (successfully), Natalie lied about her age (unsuccessfully) and Ronnie scared off most everybody by admitting his video game obsession. Whereas everyone else talked about how they contribute to society, Ronnie very well could have explained how to successfully master Grand Theft Auto 4.
No one had any follow up questions. He spoke his peace and that was that.
Come to think of it, Laura didn't have much to say about herself either – other than the fact that she has huge knockers. In a testimonial, Kevin summed up Laura in two words: "boob city."
Fitting.
When they were done, Host Julie Chen explained the season's twist to the HouseGuests. Jeff, Natalie and Russell became the athletes; Casey, Kevin and Lydia the offbeats; Jordan, Braden and Laura the populars and Michele, Chima and Ronnie the brains.
Come on. Let's break out the underwear
Once in their groups, the HouseGuests participated in the season's first HoH competition. But unlike prior seasons, the winner of the contest would not become the HoH. Instead, four mysterious HouseGuests from prior seasons (twist #2!) were lurking in the wings – each representing a clique.
The mysterious HouseGuest representing the winning clique would become HoH, and that clique would gain the upper hand in the game by having four players against the other cliques' three. That's because in a surprising twist (twist #3!), members of the clique with the current HoH cannot be nominated for eviction. If a brain has control of the house, then no brains can go home that week, and so on.
As per usual, the game was completely stupid and embarrassing for not only the contestants, but for people tuning in as well. On Survivor, you at least have contestants trudging through water and leaping over logs and doing all that island business. (It's been years since I've seen the show, but I can imagine it's something like that). On the Big Brother premiere, contestants hung from a toilet seat in a giant underwear sling – supposedly simulating a giant wedgie.
How am I supposed to explain that to anybody? "Yeah, they were hanging on to this oversized john wearing nothing but gigantic granny panties." Come on, Big Brother, give us something we can discuss at the water cooler.
A contest so stupid that Host Julie at one point said, "I think it's time for another super wedgie."
You think I'm kidding.
It's an endurance contest, so of course the athletes won. As such, beefy Jessie from Big Brother 10 entered the house as HouseGuest #13 and claimed the season's first HoH. He, along with Jeff, Natalie and Russell are safe.
At least this week.