Things We Learned from Movie X
Eagle Eye
By Tom Houseman
July 3, 2009
BoxOfficeProphets.com
And yet Mr. LaBeouf has starred in a string of highly successful action films, in both supporting and lead roles, from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull to the latest blockbuster bonanza, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Along the way, he did a little movie called Eagle Eye, about a regular guy thrown into a crazy situation that ends up with him having to save the world or something inane like that. But as ridiculous as both the concept and execution of Eagle Eye are, I did learn some valuable lessons about technology, politics, and how absurdly low expectations can lead you to appreciate a movie from the director and star of Disturbia just by saying, "hey, at least it was better than that piece of garbage Disturbia." I would put a spoiler warning here, but that would assume that anyone wanted to see this awful movie already has, so here goes.
1) Everything in the World is Controlled by One Computer
Did you see I, Robot? Remember the computer that took over the world in that movie? Well Eagle Eye takes the exact same premise, relocates it from the future to the present, and makes it even more ridiculous. I didn't think that last part was even possible. Yes, according to the makers of Eagle Eye, there is one computer that can run everything in the world! Runaway tractor? Computer took over its controls and sent it on a crazed tractoring spree. Milk went bad before its expiration date? Computer hacked into it and sped up its aging process. And do you really think Halle Barry would have agreed to make Catwoman had the computer that controls everything not taken over her brain? Well, maybe. But the point is, there is one computer that runs the entire world, and we really shouldn't piss it off. Why? Because...
2) That computer is gonna PMS at any second
I don't know about you, but I find it extremely irritating when people make PMS jokes about public figures. Uh-oh, we better not elect Hillary Clinton president, cause she might launch a barrage of nuclear missiles because of PMS. What if Sonia Sotomayor has an important decision to make just before her period? The fate of the free world can be destroyed because of disgruntled women! It's supremely annoying, but apparently what the folks behind Eagle Eye think, because the whole movie is about a computer voiced by a woman (Why, Julianne Moore? Why?) who throws a hissy fit because the president disagrees with her. In the most serious case of that-time-of-the-monthitis, she tries to kill the president and everyone else who gets in her way. Women... am I right, fellas?
3) The Government Has Absolutely No Idea What The Government Is Doing
You would think that if there was a computer that ran the entire government and, in fact, the entire country, that important government officials would know about it. More importantly, if that government had the ability and will to hijack the entire government and, in fact, the entire country for its own nefarious purposes, that anyone in the government would know about it. And yet not only is everyone completely unprepared in the event of this computer going nuts, but they are all completely oblivious to it, meaning that the only person who can save the day is Shia LaBeouf. Oh, and the FBI is also trying to stop Shia LaBeouf from saving the day, because they're pretty certain he's the bad guy. Actually, this doesn't sound so unrealistic.
4) The Michael Bay/John Woo Rule is True: Anything Can Blow Up Anything
"So, how does the computer try to blow up the senate building?"
"With a trumpet."
"Um, that doesn't make sense."
"No, don't worry, the trumpet has special blowing-up-stuff crystals in it."
"Oh, okay then. That clears up all of my concerns."
Does this conversation sound familiar? If it does, then you are one of the producers or writers of Eagle Eye and I'll try and keep the rest of the words in this article under three syllables for you. I had hoped that the complete lack of thought and effort being put into the rest of this movie's plot was all being saved up for a really cool way that the computer would come up with to kill the president. But no, they go with the old standby of blowing-stuff-up crystals shoved inside a trumpet. Talk about a cliché. Am I right, fellas?
5) Shia Labeouf Can Save the World Six Ways to Sunday, but it Won't Make Him a Believable Action Star
Giant super computer taking over the government because of a spat with the president? I can buy that. Giant computer able to control remote-control crane machines? Sure, no problem. Shia LaBeouf as an action star? Sorry, can't take it. No way, no how. The guy is as intimidating as a sneezing baby panda, and he only has two facial expressions: smirking and sulking. Watching him try and jump out of cars is just embarrassing, because you're pretty sure between takes he's whining about getting the wrong flavor of vitamin water and listening to Dashboard Confessional on his iPod. Someone needs to replace him as soon as possible with Bruce Willis, or Matt Damon, or at the very least one of those sneezing baby pandas from those YouTube videos. That would have been the only thing that would have made Eagle Eye a good movie.