Selling Out
By Tom Macy
June 5, 2009
BoxOfficeProphets.com
When I look back now, I'm baffled as to how I could have ever thought this might be a good movie. How could I have ever thought a film that got financed because of the success of Transformers, a film whose director's claim to fame is the Charlie's Angels "franchise," would be worth my time? I only have myself to blame. I was, as I always am, seduced by their big computer generated machines and reused catchphrases. If only I had stayed true to my mantra that expectations ruin movies. But who am I kidding? They're why I go to the movies.
So how did I get myself genuinely excited for Terminator 4 when my right mind told me I would only end up disappointed? For starters, I really do have to hand it to whoever headed up the publicity campaign. They did and said all the right things, including locking up Christian Bale at the height of his Dark Knight popularity and having McGinty say things like, "[it has] the look of Children of Men, but with the velocity of Transformers." And that trailer. The first time I saw it I was prompted to pull an in-theatre text, very rare for me.
I wasn't being outrageous with my standards. I knew better than to expect the true greatness of Cameron's originals, which I watched again in anticipation. I was reminded of the impending mediocrity I would encounter on opening day when I caught the finale of T3 on TV. Regarding T3, I have to confess I liked it when it came out. But this time around, watching Arnold desperately rehash his eternally iconic character that, despite being from the future, feels terribly outdated was more awkward than a Sarah Palin interview (talk about outdated). But perhaps the most bizarre aspect of Rise of the Machines is that only five months after film's release, Mr. Universe took office as the Governor of Cahl-eef-orn-i-uh. Luckily for him, that current position prevented Arnold's participation in the latest installment. Who ever thought that public office would actually save Arnold from embarrassment?
So going into the ironically titled Terminator "Salvation", I basically just wanted some expensive, badly plotted fun a la, dare I say it, Transformers.
Let's start with the positives. Yes, there was some impressive stuff. The motorcycle chase was pretty cool and the whole film looked like a million, or should I say 200 million bucks. Okay, I'm done with the positives. Would it kill them to try to make me care a little? Oh how I miss those heady days of Star Trek when Hollywood movies were competent. There isn't a single human moment in the entire freaking movie, completely in contradiction with one of the series overriding strengths. In T2, a machine garners an understanding of humanity to the point that he becomes a legitimate father figure to young John. Here, John Connor has about an eighth of the personality that any of the Arnolds had and is reduced to an action figure. If you ask me, the world that this movie exists in isn't worth saving. My best guess as to why there was no attempt at plot or character is that McG and Co. assumed that the audience would already have their sympathies in the right place based on previous films. Well, they were wrong. A Terminator film with no Arnold is uncharted territory. They needed to operate this as a standard reboot, once again harkening back the good ol' Star Trek days.
Okay, okay, fine. It's a summer movie. I get it. If you want character development, go see a Pixar movie. This is about action, action, ACTION!!!!! Ugh. One of the more depressing feelings in summer movie-going is when a shot in a trailer gets you all excited for a certain scene or sequence and when you see it in the movie you're like, "Oh, that was it?" That pretty much describes my feeling throughout watching T4. Instead of constructing actual fight sequences with arcs and tension they (I don't know who to blame at this point so I'm going to point my finger at the to the entire production) just thought up various kinds of machines and various ways to blow them up. Once again, we can look back to something similar in Star Trek and the fight scene on the platform. That was just some skydiving and sword fighting. But since there was an arc to the sequence, some suspense and not to mention the audience's relative investment in the characters, this scene cost a fraction of any of T4's and was vastly better than all of them.
Okay, so we've got no plot or character development and bland, pointless action. T4 sounds like a predictably disappointing summer movie to me. This was how I felt halfway through. But after the second half, I felt downright violated. The level of head-banging-against-the-wall-unbelievable-nonsense that goes on in this film finale will infuriate me until Ghostbusters 3 comes out. Why, for the love of Jim Caviezel, would Skynet send one, ONE, terminator after John Connor, when HE'S INSIDE THEIR HEADQUARTERS!!! We've just sat through an hour and a half of ginormous flying machines killing masses at will. Where were they? Machines don't sleep (but do they dream of electric sheep?) Then, on top of all this, you have the randomly cast Helena Bonham Carter waxing expository like the penguin chattering on about world domination as Adam West uses his utility belt to escape from being dropped into the tank filled with electric eels.
All they have to do is kill John Connor to win the war. I just....why didn't they.....it's..... just shoot them....why are the hallways lit......arrrrggghhh!!!! Simply put, the finale of this film was the equivalent McG sitting on a pile of money, flipping off the camera, consumed in diabolical laughter. KHAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!
But miraculously, just when things were at their bleakest, good managed to prevail. This degrading experience has a silver lining. The collective movie-going public righted the wrong they committed when they gave Wolverine an $85 million opening and refused to accept T4 as entertainment worthy of their hard earned cash. Thanks to you, America, this film's failure will finally put the Terminator franchise to rest rendering it safe from evildoers like McG once and for all.
And now with my mind at ease, I can look back at Terminator Salvation not as the movie from which I garnered a welt by repeatedly slapping my forehead, but rather as a glorious $200 million trailer.