Dear Purveyors of Theatrical-Type Entertainment,
May 2009 Forecast
By Comic Book Guy
May 1, 2009
The movies that you have planned for release this May are the most pathetic, historically inaccurate, out of canon films I have ever seen in my life. Rest assured that I am visiting message boards all over the Internet to register my disgust and annoyance.
Take, for example, Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian. I have never watched a movie so full of factual errors. For instance, we are told that Dexter the Monkey is a Capuchin, but he is on display in the Hall of African Mammals. Everyone knows that Capuchin monkeys are from South America! Also, Sacagawea wasn't a tracker, she was nothing more than a guide and a translator! And her husband - the actual tracker - would have been pretty angry to learn that she was getting it on with Teddy Roosevelt! With regard to the Neanderthals, this ridiculous movie portrayed them as being on a quest for fire. It is common knowledge that fire was discovered long before the Neanderthals came into existence! And I'm only scratching the surface here!
And let's not even talk about the nonsense that is Up! First of all, I find it highly unlikely that a 78-year-old man would be able to tie that many balloons to his home without needing several naps. I have dated a senior citizen myself - the lovely Agnes Skinner - and I know from experience that their endurance is not that high. Additionally, there is no way that those balloons would lift his house into the air, let alone take him around the world. This nonsense can only stand in cartoons! I expect more from Pixar.
I've been saving my particularly bilious vitriol for Terminator Salvation. Who expects good things from a movie directed by McG? Not me! It is my fervent belief that this movie should have ended after T2. Never again could another onscreen couple have the chemistry that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Edward Furlong shared. And there will never be another terminator like the T-1000. Batman should not be John Connor. I am too consumed with rage to comment further!
Well, except for a few things I have to say about X-Men Origins: Wolverine. I can't believe that Wolverine is not Canadian in this movie! I am a true-blood, warm-blooded citizen of the United States and I'm proud of my country, but I simply cannot bear to see a movie change an essential essence of a comic character! Were they afraid that he might spontaneously break out and start singing "O Canada"? It's not like he's being played by an American in the first place! Oh, my mighty heart is breaking.
And it's only made worse by the travesty that is the "re-boot" of the Star Trek franchise. Oh, what are you doing to me, JJ Abrams? Everyone knows that the only one true James Tiberius Kirk is William Shatner. I don't even know what a Chris Pine is! And Sylar is an inferior Spock in every way. Why, I expect he doesn't even know the Vulcan Death Grip! The only way I could be expected to appreciate this movie is if Abrams gave me the gift of a Tribble and Spock did a Vulcan Mind Meld to force my mind to change!
Of course, if we move on to Angels & Demons, you all must know that this film is completely beneath my superior intelligence. Dan Brown is a hack; ergo, any movie based on one of his books would have to be a waste of my time. Why, I had figured out the entire mystery of The Da Vinci code within the first ten pages!
Oh, Sam Raimi. I have been on your bandwagon many times. I have seen your Evil Dead movies 500 times apiece. And Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2 are among the greatest comic book films I have ever seen. But you have made me lose faith, Mr. Raimi. Spider-Man 3 had Spider-Man dancing. Superheroes do not dance! And it is unacceptable for a superhero to ever be "emo". And so I am unsure whether I can support your return to splatter films with Drag Me to Hell. Sure, the old lady looks scary, but if Ash Williams doesn't make a special guest appearance, I will be walking out of the theater.
I have a special fondness for Jennifer Garner and her many wigs and outfits in Alias. But you couldn't pay me enough to enter a movie theater and sit through Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. What have you done to Dickens, Hollywood? A Christmas Carol is a story to be used to teach Christmas spirit lessons, not romantic entanglement lessons! Also, I find it highly unrealistic that Ms. Garner would end up with Matthew McConaughey in the end. She is far too intelligent to fall for his washboard abs and subpar mental acuity.
Do I even need to discuss Dance Flick and Next Day Air? No one should watch any spoof movie, ever again. We all know that Airplane! and Naked Gun are the only ones worth watching. All others are pretenders to the throne. And I can't be bothered to learn what Next Day Air is. I'd rather spend my time organizing my Pogs.
I believe that I have given irrefutable evidence above that the movie industry is a spectacular waste of time. Where are the Dark Knights? Where are the Iron Men? I demand satisfaction!