The Amazing Race 13, Episode 5
Do It Like a Madman
By Kim Hollis and David Mumpower
October 26, 2008
BoxOfficeProphets.com
Previously on the Amazing Race, someone crashed a bike-type thing into a wall and someone else crashed a boat bike-type thing and may have broken an arm. Also, there were a bunch of dull couples who made absolutely no impression on us and one exceedingly annoying couple who merits special mention. We're not old enough to remember Ken Greene's NFL career (he's no Gary Hogeboom), but here's what we do know about him. He has lousy taste in women. Seriously, Hank Baskett called and said that Kendra from the Girls Next Door isn't that bad. Note to Hank: We have news for you. This is what she'll be like in 18 years and 20 plastic surgeries. What we have to say about Tina Greene is that while we normally don't take sides in relationship spats, their separation is clearly her fault. In fact, we ourselves are tempted to start a relationship with Tina only to cheat on her in the most devastating way possible to inflict as much pain as we can. We root against them, which is a problem because they've won consecutive legs.
We start with Ken & Tina planning a trip together. Where's Final Destination when you need it? They are first off for this leg, and discover that their destination is Cambodia. They will head to Siem Reap, where they will have to go to a roadside gas pumping station to find their next clue. They have $98 in cash for this race, and we suggest that Ken just stay where he is and spend it on strippers. They've heard that Terence & Sarah are close on their heels, but in reality they have a two hour and 16 minute head start on the competition. We don't know much about Terence & Sarah, but what do know is that they say "baby" way, way, way too much and that Sarah is the grown-up in the relationship. The reason they've been performing so well is that they have just the right combination of brains and brawn. She is a Wharton MBA and he is a successful marathon runner/instructor. We secretly suspect that their real power comes from her glasses and his hair.
Third out are Kelly & Christy, the only remaining all-girl team after Marisa & Brooke's merciful elimination last week. We don't know what to do with them any more than the producers do, which is why they only get the tag of "Divorcees". We think "Cheerleader Mean Girls" would have been a better description. What can we say about their racing skills so far? Christy is convinced that what has been holding them back so far is the fact that they've been caught up in "trying to go real fast". We think their new strategy of slowing down to a snail's pace will prove ineffective, but it's their call.
While Ken & Tina worry about getting on the first flight without any other teams being aboard, the duo closest to them, Terence & Sarah are pulled over by the local fuzz. Terence is busted doing 117 km per hour in a 100 km per hour zone. Hey, we already stand corrected on Kelly & Christy's "go slower" strategy. Terence proceeds to suffer the same humiliation all men experience when in the company of their woman during ticketing. This is probably going to set a very bad tone for the rest of their leg (as well as the rest of their relationship - 15 years from now she'll be talking about that ticket he got in New Zealand).
Innocuous mother/son tandem Toni & Dallas are in fourth place at the start of the leg, a full four hours behind the leaders. There's really not much to say about them, frankly, as they have done nothing to offend, nothing to impress, and have generally just been a solid middle-of-the-pack team.
Nick & Starr, whose favorite novel appears to be cocktails in Appalachia (assuming he's straight), are out fifth, and they are five and a half hours behind the first place team. We can already say that if Ken and Tina are eliminated today, they will have run the worst leg in Amazing Race history. Starr takes this opportunity to update us on last week's boat-bike spill, telling us that nothing was broken. She is wearing two bandages, though, and appears to have a pretty good bruise. We'll see if that affects her.
After some nervous moments, Terence & Sarah learn that they will barely make the same flight as Ken & Tina, all but guaranteeing one of these two teams wins this leg. While running to the gate, Terence complains that Sarah is running too fast. We were hoping he'd say, "This is a marathon, not a sprint," but no such luck.
Next up are the fraternity brothers others are referring to as Team Superbad. All we know about these guys so far is that they seem to be closer than they'd like to admit, and more than a little bit homophobic. Their actions belie the fact that they really like to listen to Coldplay and have macramed themselves pairs of jean shorts. Right on cue, one of the two describes the other as having gone to "pansy private school". Gentlemen, it's textbook.
Kelly & Christy and Toni & Dallas both get on a flight that is leaving four hours after the earlier one. This leg is going to be spaced out a lot more than the average Amazing Race episode.
Driving this point home, Aja & Ty, the last team to depart, are nine hours and a minute behind leaders Ken & Tina and a full two hours and 20 minutes behind the team in front of them in sixth place, the frat boys. We could be misreading the situation, but we feel like Aja & Ty are walking the Green Mile this week.
We're just a short ways into the episode, but already the editing seems to be setting up a couple of feuds for today's episode and possibly moving forward. Ty has decided that for whatever reason, he can't stand Dan, while Dallas gets annoyed when he watches the mean girls talk about him behind his back. They say he looks like Teen Wolf so many times that we can't decide whether it's an insult or if they share a lycanthrope fetish.
The division of groupings this week is finalized when Andrew & Dan fail to catch the same flight as Kelly & Christy, Toni & Dallas and Nick & Starr. If there is an elimination this week (and we suspect there won't be), it's going to be Aja & Ty or Team Superbad. If not, one of the three teams in front of them will have choked completely.
But wait! Back from commercial break, Andrew & Dan check at the gate and run into a more helpful woman. She informs the gentlemen that they are accepted onto the flight, and become the fourth team in this grouping. Right now, Aja & Ty know how turkeys feel the week before Thanksgiving.
Cut ahead to the airport in Cambodia, and we're stunned to see that every single team other than Aja & Ty are there together. Apparently, the first two teams took an ordinary plane, while the next four teams apparently took Wonder Woman's super plane. There is no explanation for how one plane got there four hours faster than the other, but we're going to presume there was some sort of Die Hard situation.
The exodus from the airport to the roadside gas pumping station is more adventurous than normal. Toni & Dallas have their directions lost in translation and wind up being taken to a hotel, but it could be worse. Christy & Kelly get dumped at a random gas station bathroom, which is probably not a first for either one of them.
This means that Nick & Starr are the first to arrive at the cluebox, where they have to pump a Cambodian truck full of 25 gallons of diesel fuel by hand. This seems like one of the easiest and most straightforward tasks possible, not just this season, but any season. It's tantamount to busy work. Proving this to be the case, Nick & Starr breeze through it and get the next clue, which has them going to Siem Reap Harbor, where they have to take a boat to a floating restaurant called Kho Andeth for their next clue.
Right on their heels are Toni & Dallas, followed by Terence & Sarah, Ken & Tina and Andrew & Dan. These four teams are separated just by moments at first, but Andrew & Dan fall behind when they can't figure out how to work the pump. Their driver's look of disgust says more than we ever could. Our inner Beavis and Butthead enjoys the dialogue of, "Dude, you can't just like pump like a baby. Pump stronger." We're still sure Team Superbad is all about the ladies. Of course, Ken (the #19 selection in the 1978 NFL Draft, making him the Antonio Cromartie of his era) one-ups them when he says, "It's just like pulling down the zipper and letting her flow, boys."
The boys' stupidity allows Christy & Kelly to pass them, while the editing tries to build up suspense that maybe Aja & Ty can capitalize on a New York Mets-like collapse by Andrew & Dan. All the other teams seem happy that they're not Team Superbad.
What we're really learning here is that while Michael Cera and Jonah Hill might be funny on film, in daily life, they're painful to watch.
With everyone with the exception of Andrew & Dan and Aja & Ty all bunched together, we get ten minutes of slow truck chases and boat races. What we learn from this is that Michael Bay movies are every bit as inherently dishonest as Michael Cera/Jonah Hill films. There is no real excitement, just a lot of dirt and splashing. Still, Terence & Sarah wind up being unlucky as their boat tears up, dropping them from first to fourth place. Sarah does not handle it well.
Once again, creative editing indicates that Aja & Ty are still in this thing, but we secretly suspect that they have fallen a year behind. Also, they somehow wind up in Mexico.
The leading teams are arriving at the floating restaurant, which gets them to the detour. They must choose between a scavenger hunt of three items or a fishing task. Ken & Tina select the scavenger hunt, while Toni & Dallas and Nick & Starr go fishing. Terence & Sarah see Ken & Tina finding one of the clues, and follow suit. Kelly & Christy also see Ken & Tina at the basketball court, and randomly walk in and shooting baskets before realizing that they should put off their hoop dreams long enough to find the clue. This allows Andrew & Dan to pass a team for quite possibly the first time this episode, if not ever. Team Superbad chooses fishing, while the Mean Girls do the scavenger hunt. There's an argument about which one is quicker, but in the end, the best fishermen, Nick & Starr, leave in first place, with Ken & Tina and Toni & Dallas close behind. Despite the boat troubles, Terence & Sarah wind up pretty close to the other teams.
Nick & Starr arrive at the Roadblock, which has one team member try to find a single room in the largest religious structure in the world. Nick performs the task for his team, and is followed into the massive temple area by Tina and Dallas. Terence is the choice for their duo. Nick is the first to find the next clue, and is instructed to go to the Bayon Temple, where they will search the grounds for the clue that will lead them to the Pit Stop.
Toni & Dallas are next out, while Tina walks right past the clues and gets more lost in the process. Eventually, she does find it just before Christy gets help going to the spot and helps her team to get out ahead of the football player and his blonde wife.
We cut over to Nick & Starr, who end Ken & Tina's two episode reign in first place as they arrive at the Pit Stop. They win a trip for two to St. John. Toni & Dallas are second, while Terence & Sarah are team #3. Because Christy & Kelly get lost while searching for the Pit Stop, Ken & Tina are able to get back ahead of them for fourth place. Tina, who was surprisingly likable in this episode, matter-of-factly admits it's her fault. She seems to be finding peace during the course of this race, which we think is historically unprecedented during the course of this show.
Christy & Kelly are stunned to find that they are Team #5, and appear to consider clubbing Phil to death with their backpacks. There's lots of false drama as we build up to the end, but obviously Andrew & Dan wind up in sixth place. However, if they had not made that middle plane, they'd probably be gone tonight. Even though they managed to stave off elimination, they still managed to bring great shame to the Arizona State Sun Devils and Alpha Epsilon Pi.
This means that Aja & Ty are last in. We knew their fate was sealed ten minutes into the episode, making much of this pointless. The good news is that they seemed to get along a lot better this week. They've been eliminated from the race, and Ty states that he plans to move to Los Angeles to be closer to Aja. They have nothing but good things to say about each other.
After the episode is over, Phil ominously adds in a voice over that Terence & Sarah have received a 30 minute penalty for the traffic citation. It will be applied at the start of the next episode. The producers of The Amazing Race hope this staves off an international incident with New Zealand.
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