Attention! I, Kang, and my sister Kodos, demand that you hear what we say and pay attention to the sound of our vocies! The time is drawing near where we will rule your puny planet! January 20, 2009, here we come!
October 2008 Forecast
By Kang and Kodos
October 2, 2008
We have cleverly filled October with movies meant to prepare your feeble minds for servitude! The best part is, we know you will go see these movies! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *arms wave in air*
1) High School Musical 3: Senior Year
The first movie we direct you to see is High School Musical 3! We have already brainwashed the next generation with these TV movies! The actors sing songs while playing basketball and baseball! We hope that Ozzy Guillen breaks out into song while his team plays baseball! Hey! Manny Ramirez! Get your head in the game! Zac Efron is our teenbot and you all love him! Just wait until we release our entire EfrArmy! He will charm you while he destroys you!
2) Beverly Hills Chihuahua
It is a little-known fact that Chihuahuas are actually alien creatures from a distant planet known as Gukumatz. These Gukumatzians are our great allies! They pretend to be cute, then enter your homes and slowly turn you into their servants! Our Gukumatzian friends had great success in the '90s with a planned infiltration of human homes when they introduced the great leader known as Taco Bell Dog to the world! He even defeated Godzilla by getting a bigger box! You and your children will go see this clan of Gukumatzians in this movie and you will love them! You will all bring these super duper intelligent beings into your home and they will become your rulers! Be sure not to dress them in stupid Halloween costumes! If you do, you are the one that will be devoured first!
3) Saw V
The greatest happiness of our lives came when you humans began to love movies with torture porn! This is the time when we realize that you will welcome our harsh dictatorship! You love to watch your fellow man suffer! We love to watch your fellow man suffer, too! Here, have a board with a nail in it!
4) Max Payne
We don't know this Max guy, but we sure do love his name! We hope he delivers on his promise and brings you plenty of p-a-i-n this glorious October-y Halloween season. If nothing else, Marky Mark's Funky Bunch really delivered the torture to the human race with their "music"! We admire and appreciate their work! For this reason, we will enslave the Wahlbergs last!
5) Body of Lies
Many people have no idea that when Russell Crowe threw that telephone at a hotel employee, he was trying to save your world! Yes, we believe that not only is Crowe an oily oaf, but he is also our mortal enemy! We have been trying to destroy him for years! Meg Ryan should have sucked all the life from him, but she failed! Here is a case where we demand that you not see a film! Boycott! Do our bidding! Do not listen to his lunk-headed messages!
If you think the events in this movie can't happen to you, well, you haven't been paying attention to us! And we tell you explicitly to pay attention to us! Do not force us to wave our tentacles in your general direction! That's tentacles! N-T!
7) Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist
We're not sure we like these Nick and Norah impostors! Bring back William Powell and Myrna Loy! And Asta! We're not advocating zombieism, but...yes, we are advocating zombieism. It's much much easier to enslave zombies!
8) Zack and Miri Make a Porno
At last, we are putting porn back where it belongs! In first-run movie theaters! Take that, MPAA! We have successfully lulled you into complacency with the booming porn industry and we thank Kevin Smith for bringing it to the mainstream! If you are all drooling fools watching lesbians fornicate, our work is so much easier! Plus, you are all grossly overweight on fast food, so you are slow! We will smite you! Smite!
9) Pride & Glory
We will have days of Pride and Glory very soon! Oh, yes! It's true! The person who is sitting next to you right now? They are Rigellian. Or possibly Gukumatzian, assuming that the person is a Chihuahua! We celebrate our future success! We celebrate your future failure! We celebrate your failure today! Fail!
We think this one explains itself! The revelation that Bush is a puppet leader who supports Rigel VII will not be surprising, we're sure! We are looking forward to being...er, electing your next President! We must move forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom! In fact, we are running out of time! Register to vote today! And vote for us, er, Obama and/or McCain! Vote often!