Stealth Entertainment
By Scott Lumley
June 16, 2008
BoxOfficeProphets.com

If I ever have a threesome, I'd like it to be with a man *and* a woman. No offense, Jamie.
Hollywood is a machine. Every week, every month and every year, countless films are released into theaters and not every one is as successful as the studio heads would hope. Sometimes the publicity machine was askew, sometimes the movie targeted an odd demographic, sometimes the release was steamrolled by a much larger movie and occasionally the movie is flat out bad.

But Hollywood's loss is our gain. There is a veritable treasure trove of film out there that you may not have seen. I will be your guide to this veritable wilderness of unwatched film. It will be my job to steer you towards the action, adventure, drama and comedy that may have eluded you, and at the same time, steer you away from some truly unwatchable dreck.

Hopefully we'll stumble across some entertainment that may have slid under your radar. Wish us luck.

TORQUE (2004)

Everyone remembers The Fast and the Furious. It was a movie for gearheads that tried to act dramatic and kind of failed miserably. Torque is the same movie, except the producers decided to focus on motorcycles and went for funny as opposed to dramatic.

It works, too. I actually prefer this movie to The Fast and the Furious as it doesn't really take itself seriously. It's pretty important that it took this tone given the plot and the actors they had to work with. Also, they did not use Paul Walker, always a plus in our book.

Cary Ford (Martin Henderson, also seen in the Ring and Smoking Aces) is a crotch rocket racer who has returned from a tour of the orient to settle some unfinished business. Six months ago, he rapidly left town without warning and moments after he left, his girlfriend's motorcycle repair shop is raided by the FBI looking for a huge quantity of crystal meth. The drugs are never found; neither is Cary, and his girlfriend Shane is left holding the bag so to speak. Her phone is tapped, her boyfriend is gone and her life is upside down. Shane has no idea that Cary was set up and has essentially written him off.

Cary stays away as long as he can, then returns to try and patch things up with Shane as not being with her is driving him crazy. This is the only completely believable part of the movie as Shane is played by Monet Mazur, a supermodel looking actress who works as a motorcycle mechanic with perfect hair and nails. Monet has a fairly long if undistinguished film pedigree but it really doesn't matter here as her primary role is to look really, REALLY hot and she does it well. She's kind of a female version of Paul Walker but with actual acting skills.

Shane is also being sought by a large biker named Henry, played by Martin Schulze from The Fast and the Furious, his Girl China, played by Jaime Pressly of My name is Earl and the rest of their evil biker gang, played by actors who get cast as bikers a lot. Martin has their drugs and they want them back, although Henry is perfectly willing to settle for killing Cary extra dead for reasons that are not really made clear. Who are we to quibble with the rationale of a 6'8" homicidal biker, though?

Naturally, the first thing that Cary does after getting back stateside is head directly for a big Sturgis style biker convention, where he is guaranteed to run into both Henry and Shane. He does run into both within minutes of each other and the fireworks begin.

Henry frames Cary for the murder of a rival bike gang member run by Trey (Ice Cube from Friday and Are We There Yet?), and suddenly everyone wants Cary dead or in custody or both. Cary responds by doing what he does best, driving motorcycles really fast, performing absurd stunts and being a smartass. Cary hauls ass directly back to LA as fast as he can, and Henry's gang, Trey's gang and the FBI are hot on his tail the whole way. In the end, Cary makes a deal with an unlikely ally with what is actually a fairly cool move on his part. They lay a trap for the bad guys and their plan is pretty much demolished when they make contact with the enemy. That's all right, though, because it results in a motorcycle race with what is essentially a rocket powered motorcycle.

This plot might seem a little vague, but it's the best I can do here. There isn't much plot at all to work with and I'd rather not give what little there is away for you. Still, if you're picking up movies like Torque for plot, you may need to rethink some life choices. If you're picking it up because you like fast motorcycles and hot girls, you've come to the right place.

The movie shouldn't have worked. It's ridiculous on a whole lot of levels. The stunts are unbelievable, the characters are caricatures and the plot is borderline absurd. I counted at least five instances when a character did something that made me say, "Yup. He's dead." And then he popped right up unscratched and sprinted off to his next reality defying stunt.

And yet it's relatively entertaining. Cary is very amusing to watch and his character is extremely likable. The whole thing is filmed in gorgeous lush colors and the pacing is dead on. Whoever did the costumes for the film was amazing, especially with Pressly. She's so gothed out with leather, tattoos and long black hair I didn't recognize her until she opened her mouth. (Really, that's not the kind of voice that is easily disguised...) There are few, if any lulls in the action, which is important because it doesn't really give the viewer a chance to say "Are you fking kidding me?!?!!?"

All in all, while being about as far as you can get from an Oscar caliber film, Torque is an enjoyable way to kill 90 minutes. It's pretty to look at, action oriented and occasionally funny. Just remember to turn your brain off before you watch it.