People of Earth, who are not from Rigel VIII and do not speak Rigellian, you are lucky for three reasons. The first is that Rigellian happens to be exactly the same as English, meaning those of you of appropriate European ancestry may understand our pearls of wisdom in this column. The second is that we have returned after a brief species-enslavement-related sabbatical to give you a forecast for the month of Earth-April. The third is that you were not the species we enslaved during our absence. Consider our benevolence temporary but profoundly generous.
April 2008 Forecast
By Kang and Kodos
April 2, 2008
1) The Forbidden Kingdom
Your Earth planet is well protected by martial artists who somehow overcome the limitations created by not having tentacles. Chief among them are the humans our search engine, Rigeloogle, identifies as Jet Li and Jackie Chan. Human-Li is a fine martial artist whose movies generally make slightly less than Colin Powell's (he moonlights as Nicholas Cage, but only those with national security clearance or the ability to hack into your Pentagon's computers know this). Human-Chan is an over-the-hill stuntman who pretends to be an actor and rock star. He is not a threat, but your foolish race is drawn to his theatrics for no apparent reason. Your race is just that stupid. The combination of Human-Li and Human-Chan should prove to be more exciting than a combination of Human-Chan with Human-Wilson or Human-Tucker. While you are in the theater, my sister Kodos and I will determine the location of this forbidden kingdom. Then, we will devour all its inhabitants. Even on Rigel VIII, forbidden (soylent) fruit is the most delicious of all.
2) Forgetting Sarah Marshall
We first tested our Forgetto-Ray in a different form. The end result was eternal sunshine focalized in a spotless mind. We were displeased with this outcome. Our next experiment takes a more direct approach as we try to make a human being forget the most luscious creature in the world, Veronica Mars. If this test succeeds, all of Earth's females will be made available to me, Kang, as a harem of opposable thumb-wielding bimbos. Stop making that face at me, Kodos. It will work this time, I swear.
3) Nim's Island
You Earthicans love your imaginary settings with your fantasy heroes like Little Miss Sunshine and your ugly monsters like Jodie Foster. We have traveled to 7,214 worlds and we can sure you that there is no one scarier looking than Ms. Foster. And we play poker at Jabba the Hut's place every Thursday night. So, we know from ugly. Even so, we will go see this movie because the tiny human female does such a stirring rendition of Superfreak.
4) Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo
This movie informs us that your people fear alien cultures so much that you take them to Guantanamo then proceed to waterboard them. This news is alarming to us. Water makes our tentacles shrink, and no Rigellian woman cares about the motion of the ocean as much as the absolute mass of the ectoplasm. I want my massive tentacles to remain massive.
5) The Ruins
Plants devour humans in this story? It will be the feel-good hit of the spring!
6) Street Kings
Keanu Reeves, star of the most popular movie on Rigel VIII, Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey (they Melvin Death in it!), portrays a cop being framed for a murder he didn't commit. My sister and I wonder if cops are ever accused then put on trial for murders they do commit. We've noticed that every Hollywood movie ever made follows the Street Kings patter instead. If every police officer is falsely accused, shouldn't all charges be dismissed the instant they get to court? "Your honor, clearly, the defendant is innocent because he is a policeman accused of murder." Wouldn't your judge have to throw out the charges, having read every book and seen every movie where an innocent man is falsely brought to trial? Your Earth-law systems confuse us.
This is a difference between Rigellians and Earthians. On Rigel VIII, Leatherheads would be the name of a porno. Bravo to you people for having the courage to name a real movie by such a clearly sexual title.
8) 88 Minutes
This movie was filmed during the start of season 17 of The Simpsons. It was supposed to come out midway through season 18 of The Simpsons yet here we are almost at the end of season 19 of The Simpsons and it has not been released. Suspicion: it's not very good.
9) Prom Night
Ah, how I remember my first prom night. She wore the Moons of Silvana as earrings. I bathed myself in the blood of innocents before putting on my tux. I understand the movie will be closer in tone to my prom night preparations than to my date's.
Noted Earthlings Hugh Jackman and Ewan McGregor go to a sex club, meet a chick from Dawson's Creek and one of them winds up accused of murder. Since he's not a cop, he must prove his innocence the hard way. Presumably, this means he must sleep with Michelle Williams. I think I'd just do the jail time. Now, here is the confession about my deception during this forecast. It was in fact, the lady Kodos writing instead of my brother, Kang. I've been pretending to have a stigmatalingus this entire time to trick you into thinking I was male.